I asked and God answered--now my days are so full that my poor little blog is being neglected. Well, for anyone who still stops by, I found these and couldn't wait to share:
Happiness is Contagious AND
Free Hugs
My friend bobbie has spent the last year on a journey back to herself. For you, bobbie, and to all of us who are forging that path to our own heart. May we all come home to ourselves.
Read more...
For someone who loves to express herself in written form, words are just not enough for how I feel right now. There is just so much going on in this life for us--there will be a time for sharing, but for now, these snippets express the direction in which we are moving...
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John 6:39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day.
(New International Version)
James 1:26-27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
THIS is the love of Jesus in action, THIS is walking the talk, THIS is...well, just read it.
DALLAS — A Texas woman went to a housing auction distraught about the prospect of watching strangers bid on her foreclosed home.
Then one of those strangers bought it back for her.
Now Tracy Orr can return to her Pottsboro home, making payments to the woman who unexpectedly and impulsively bought it for her.
"It means so much to all of us," Orr told Dallas television station WFAA. "It's not just a house."
Read the rest of the story here
Garden Angel
While we all need prayer all of the time, some have opportunities to receive an immeasurable amount of grace. Go and see Emma Grace and her mom, Heather.
Update: Happy Birthday Emma Grace! Her smile makes me feel like it's my birthday!
There's a message board I visit once in a while to see what the Emergent Church is up to. No good, it seems to me. The bickering and arguing about Calvinism vs Armenianism, why do we have to use Him/Her when we refer to God--God is a MAN!; When Peter walked on the water, what spiritual lesson was he supposed to learn according to which theology and which one is RIGHT?
People, people, PEOPLE!
"This is my Father's purpose--that everyone who looks to the Son and believes him will have eternal life." John 6:40
"Let me emphasize this: the person who believes has eternal life." John 6:47
" Didn't I tell you that if you believed, you would see God's splendor?" John 11:40
Amy more questions?
In front of me are two stacks of papers. One is the itinerary for Abby's trip to France with her French club. Pairs, Loire, the Riviera--she is going to Provence! She'll see the Louvre, stand on the top of the Eiffel Tower, try to find that organic bakery that kel told us about--she will be where I have only dreamed to go. Never in my life did I believe that France would be so ---accessible.
The other stack is all the notes I have taken while talking to my mother. She really doesn't want to know exactly this cancer is about, and no one else does either. The doctor said chemo, so that's what she's doing. Because of the privacy issue, the doctor's staff can't share information with me--not a thing. NOT ANYTHING. And I want to know. EVERYTHING. That's how I deal with issues--get as much info as possible. And now I'm hitting a brick wall because no one in my family has asked any questions. This is the way they deal with crisis--not dealing with it at all.
Just a little history (without the boring details): no, I am not close with my family. At all. I talk with my brother, which is frustrating, as he is a traditional complementarian--he talks to me like I'm simple and he has all the answers because he is a man, made in God's image, and I am a woman, made to glorify man. My insights are met with correction and doubt. He has a good heart, which keeps me from biting his head off...there is no communication with my two sisters or my father--the level of bitterness and hatred from them is unreal and my father--well, he just isn't safe.
What I do know is that my mother has a recurrence cancer in her spine and internal organs. The doctor did advise that my nephew, Justin, come home sooner than later to see his granma--like right now. This was met with puzzlement from my brother: "Why is he coming right now? Why not wait until later when she is better?" Is this faith or denial?
I had a dream/vision at 2:50 exactly on Monday morning. I saw the clock, I was awake--but I was speaking to the cancer in my mother's body. We were in the same place, that cancer and me. "I don't believe you," I said to it. "You are not bigger than my faith. I am in Christ, Christ is in me, and you have no power."
And it spoke back: "But we have permission."
When I think I'm going under
Part the waters Lord.
When I feel the waves around me
Calm the sea.
When I cry for help
O here me Lord
and hold out Your hand.
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me.
Today I felt the sunshine after a long time under cloudy skies. I knew the sun would come out again, given time. I even prepared to write about Jesus' words "I am existence!" found in Mark 6:50 and how on a morning walk those words connected with John 1:1-5 and...but now that I have a chance to put it all together...
Maybe I'm supposed to connect those words with the words I heard not an hour ago while standing in the Thrift Store with a cart full of bargains---"Mom's cancer came back. It's in her spine and it's inoperable."
"Be brave! I am existence! Don't be scared!"---Mark 6:50
She didn't want a service, so we had a "processing meeting" at school. She was loved by everyone who knew her.
I saw her last Thursday--she was tired, so tired--but smiling, as usual. She was struggling with a painful physical illness, family drama--and just wanted to rest.
Someone sent me a text message yesterday--three words that turned off the sun:
She killed herself.
I called the number, barely, it took two tries for the shaking.
Yes, it's true. My friend is dead.
I called her best friend--"What are you telling me?"
Jesus, hold me, her pain is taking me down.
Hours and hours of weeping--
but for one, my friend--
smiling always as she faded
always smiling
5 Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! .
I would fly away and be at rest-
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah
The posts Baptism and Forgiveness are stream of consciousness writing triggered by a short conversation with a new friend. There is something about him, how he embraces his shadow without condemning himself--it fascinates me.
BUT
the words "I have so much negativity (in my heart) already," --hurts, losses, unhealed wounds--those words broke my heart. There is so much good, so much joy, so much love to be had
IF I am willing to forgive and let joy heal that spot.
Caroline Myss offers this definition of baptism: "the celebration of accepting with gratitude every aspect of your life and all those who are a part of your life. ...(being) reborn into your own life..."
I immediately remember James 1:16-18: "Make no mistake, my dearly loved fellow believers! Every good legacy and every complete gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of the celestial lights, in whom there is no variation of shadow of change. He deliberately brought us into being by means of truthful Word to be some the first offerings of his creations."
I am deliberate, well-thought out, good and complete. My Creator, Breath of Life, fills all the hurt places with joy and light.
I accept, I receive.
I am healed.
Just when I think I've got a handle on my outrage, I come across THIS.
Read more...Nothing/something
unnamed maybe baby
but still
A stone within
a void a space a place that crowds out displaces takes over
sucks up blocks blacks whites consumes devours absorbs
sponge cancer spotlight abyss
There goes my
hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me
drags me chains me it goes I follow
bullring in my nose
protects me comforts me
this stone
this brilliance
keeps me safe
keeps me bound
It goes there I want to go here
The rope the noose the ties that bind and choke and suffocate
my hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me
Will the stone by rolled away
to hide another wound?
I am what I am in the now that I am
Forgiveness
I am now, not then
not a stone, but a dandelion
my hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me
a million dandelion babies
on wings of peace
grow babies grow
I believe in you, for you, until you can believe it yourself. That is what I bring to a therapeutic relationship. My job is to work myself right out of a job, to help you dismantle the wall of denial/self-doubt/self-destructive behavior brick by brick until there you are. A person who seeks help needs to be taught to find, respect, and ultimately cherish their own gifts and strengths, to recognize the dysfunctional dynamics they live by and to move into a new way of life.
My family is a case study in dysfunction. Interestingly, substance abuse was not a factor in the dysfunction while I was a child, but has manifested in this generation. If there is an abuse that I didn’t suffer (along with my siblings), I have yet to discover it. Verbal, emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual, --name one and I’ll tell you a personal story. I have been in the darkest pit of fear and despair and done immensely destructive things to deal with the pain—addictive eating, blaming, self-mutilation, raging—the only reason I didn’t off myself is that I didn’t want to miss my girls growing up.
But that isn’t the most important part of the story—the most important part is that the story isn’t over yet. I am not defined by my abuse, nor am I defined by my “survivorship.”
My identity is first my name: Alice Katherine, which means “Truth” and “Purity.” Cool, huh? And it flows from there: the pure truth is I am intuitive, perceptive, tender-hearted, called to minister, a fallen human being who is determined to find the joy in this fallen world and to share it. We all, every one of us, were born innocent and deserve to be that again—fresh and new, ready to face the world with a foundation of love and acceptance—that is what I can provide: the hope realized that we do not have to be a prisoner to our past. That path, that door to a new life is to be discovered by each person in her own journey.
I just received this:
WE HAVE MANY MORE HEROES BEING SUBMITTED THAN ANGELS JOINING
We really did good at Christmas. Heroes Love to be adopted!
We got this quote,
\"Your organization is highly coveted and recommended by all. Is it possible if we can be added to the Soldier\'s Angels program. We\'ve got a lot of young soldiers who are experiencing difficult times for their first deployment, and external support from our nation\'s greatest supporters would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.\"
It is wonderful we are able to help with morale.
Will you adopt another hero?
Or will you please cantact your local churches,
schools, hospitals, Scouts? Many of our sons and daughters are in harms way and could use some support from home!
If you are an approved angel financially able to adopt another hero please login to
http://approvedangels.com
and click the link \"Request an additional soldier\", or tell all you can to go to
http://soldiersangels.org/ and click adopt a soldier.
Thank you for helping!!
Love
Darkness is a real place.
It is cold, sleepless, and comfortless. There is not a moment of rest, as the dragon may appear at any time.
This is where I lived as a child and as a grown-up.
In 2000, I spent my days battling the darkness that was always following me, always at the edges of my dreams, always around the corner waiting to trip me and pounce on me. It was big, with teeth and an ugly growl--I was powerless. That darkness marked me with self-loathinig and self-mutilation. It told me that my babies would be better off without me, and I began to believe it.
A rope was thrown to me, and I had to make a choice: this opportunity to face the fear meant that I would miss the end of school program, an extra special time, as it was put together by the students of the tiny private school my children attended. They chose the theme, wrote the skits, and chose the song they felt told the story of their hearts for that year. My little girls, 8 yrs and 5 yrs, would be singing and I would miss it if I chose to attend my own program.
I chose my own life for the first time.
Within a circle of support, I faced the monster for the first and last time, crying out my need for a safe place, just a safe place, please, just a place to be safe. Never, never, never, had I felt safe in my entire life--please, God, let me be safe and warm. Just once, I want to feel completely safe.
On that same night that I cried for safety, I slew that dragon, killed that monster that had been breathing down my neck for 33 years. It was ugly, it was exhausting--it was beautiful.
A few months later, I was driving with my girls and listening to "The Prayer" and noticed that Em and Abby were singing along. How did they know this song? "We sang it for at our end of the year program--" the one I missed in order to save my life.
The very same night, at the very same time that I was fighting for my life, crying for a safe place, my girls were singing this prayer for me:
Is there an uglier twerp than this? And I’m supposed to like this boogy-looking thing that that can’t even speak syntaxically correctly and does so in a hormonally charged teen-boy voice? And he lives in my head?!!
So, Yody-Dody-Doo, here’s the thing. I don’t like you. I don’t like your voice, your message, or your delivery. You probably smell. So I am officially booting you out of my head. If it helps to blow my nose in order to great rid or your green ass, I’ll be happy to accommodate. We are done; we’re breaking up, yada, yada, yada—oops, yoda, yoda, yoda…
In order to adhere to the dead person rule, here is my new tape to play in an endless loop:
"There is no fail, only do."
Since Boogy-Boy has had free reign in my head for so long, it’s going to take some intense focus to kick him out and keep him out. I had to find the perfect replacement phrase/motto/picture to replace his creepy voice and face in my head.
One of my favorite hobbies is to create themed compilation CDs, stories in music. So I listened to many, many different tracks and gave myself permission to just react to the music, to not define it as right or wrong, just observe and let the journey unfold.
And then there it was, on my middle daughter’s fave CD: I Want It All by Queen. We have been listening to Queen for years; as a matter of fact, when my oldest was 14 and discovered she had the family butt, it was time for some intervention. Queen to the rescue! Fat-Bottomed Girls reframed her view of her butt and gave all of us girls a theme song. And we still sing it loud and proud!
I put a few more songs on this same CD, songs that reminded me of just who I am and who I want to be—songs that keep me in the NOW.
Do you see these faces? Instead of focusing on every reason that I have failed them, I am searching for every success in their faces and their lives. Dang, they totally rock! And I had a little something to do with that! Take that Yody-DOO! Oh, the songs! So Happy Together, Love Will Keep Us Together, Don’t Bring Me Down, She Drives Me Crazy, Love’s Divine, Waiting for You, Crazy, and Abby’s personal favorite It’s Raining Men—I included a free CD for your listening pleasure. Practiced thinking with my heart—picturing and meditating on this picture of my daughters and me.
Of course the first few days my reactivity level skyrocketed—I was absolutely flying on all the positive energy! I employed the Premack principle: no backing out of the driveway until the music was playing. I couldn’t go to my first class until I listened to three songs and cried at least once. (Okay, the last one wasn’t a requirement, but it might as well have been.) Who is Yoda? I LOVE everybody and everything! Life is wonderful! Who needs reinforcers?
And then I hit a brick wall: 
This is Abby.
She is my clone. We both have Taurus in our charts. We bring out the bull in each other. She can push my buttons faster and more efficiently than anyone I know. Who needs reinforcers? Abby is my main reinforcer agent. If I listen to and act on the negative self talk, she is the first person to suffer. And the effect of my negativity on her is devastating. I can reduce her to a mere brick with just a look. Looking at that without rose-colored glasses made me sick, but it was necessary. How many ways can I fail her? How many ways can I come through for her?
Yoda, it’s time you and me had a Come- to- Jesus talkAbby was having BAD DAY. She didn’t want to go to school and could NOT be-LIEVE that I was making her go! This situation was ripe for conflict (antecedent), but I was determined and started reinforcing myself with humor and using competing responses: brushing my teeth, using a blowdryer, saying “I love you, Abby,” every time I wanted to speak sharply and using a time out when I felt myself wavering.
On the way to school, I put my hand over my mouth, which is completely incompatible with talking. I did turn on the music and So Happy Together was playing.
Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night,
it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together
If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be so very fine
So happy together
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
Me and you and you and me
matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
After the song stopped, Abby started talking about how the band practice the night before has been so terrible. I kept my hand over my mouth to keep myself from instructing her, just let her talk it out. When she got out at school and walked away, her favorite song came on. I turned up the volume and rolled the windows down as I drove away. She did not turn around, but her cadence changed and her back straightened—a sure sign that she was determined to NOT LOOK at me. At the VERY LAST SECOND, as she opened the door, she glanced at me with that I-wish-I-could-just-keep-hating-but-I-know-you-love-me” kind of smile.
BUS--TED!!
Now, how is that for a positive reinforcer? In this case, the antecedent (conflict) was replaced and the consequence was changed to a positive vs. a negative.
On another day, we went to the gym. Abby hates going to the gym. I thought it was because she is just stubborn, but being aware of my own negative self talk revealed something very different going on. I make her miserable, constantly looking over her shoulder, cranking up the treadmill, telling her she needs to challenge herself –and the drive home is just UGLY. Positive, positive, positive energy and thoughts—by the time I was on the elliptical machine and she was in front of me on the treadmill, I was using physically aversive consequences of sprinting every time I had a negative thought.
I also reframed every negative thought from lose mode to win mode.
On the drive home, Abby waited for the lecture about consistency and commitment, already tuning me out. Of course, if we are in the car, we have music!
Toni Tenille started singing “LOVE! Love will keep us together!” and I sang along, drowning out the remnants of any negative talk.
Gym membership: $400/year.
Singing an old song to your teen-age daughter in traffic (with made up hand signs): a little dignity
Look on her face when she starts singing with you:
PRICELESS
Abby and I walk just about every day—and I knew that Yoda was finally gone for good the day I was getting my walking shoes on and I heard her voice in my head saying—“I like walking with you, spending this time with you.”
I want it all— I’ve GOT it all!
All the gifts that I had wished for my girls: self-confidence, unconditional love, hope, and joy have come back to me. They were there all the time, waiting behind the boogy man with the deadly message. Approaching this issue from a B-Mod approach vs a psychoanalytical point of view took the focus off of the why and put it on the how. I can still look at the why if I want to ( I really don’t), but in the meantime, I have some good living to do—one that includes a lot of laughing with my social reinforcement agents.
