Saturday, January 12, 2008

Answered Prayer

Darkness is a real place.

It is cold, sleepless, and comfortless. There is not a moment of rest, as the dragon may appear at any time.

This is where I lived as a child and as a grown-up.

In 2000, I spent my days battling the darkness that was always following me, always at the edges of my dreams, always around the corner waiting to trip me and pounce on me. It was big, with teeth and an ugly growl--I was powerless. That darkness marked me with self-loathinig and self-mutilation. It told me that my babies would be better off without me, and I began to believe it.

A rope was thrown to me, and I had to make a choice: this opportunity to face the fear meant that I would miss the end of school program, an extra special time, as it was put together by the students of the tiny private school my children attended. They chose the theme, wrote the skits, and chose the song they felt told the story of their hearts for that year. My little girls, 8 yrs and 5 yrs, would be singing and I would miss it if I chose to attend my own program.

I chose my own life for the first time.

Within a circle of support, I faced the monster for the first and last time, crying out my need for a safe place, just a safe place, please, just a place to be safe. Never, never, never, had I felt safe in my entire life--please, God, let me be safe and warm. Just once, I want to feel completely safe.

On that same night that I cried for safety, I slew that dragon, killed that monster that had been breathing down my neck for 33 years. It was ugly, it was exhausting--it was beautiful.

A few months later, I was driving with my girls and listening to "The Prayer" and noticed that Em and Abby were singing along. How did they know this song? "We sang it for at our end of the year program--" the one I missed in order to save my life.

The very same night, at the very same time that I was fighting for my life, crying for a safe place, my girls were singing this prayer for me:

6 comments:

Kel January 13, 2008 at 12:18 AM  

thankyou for sharing this part of your story

sounds like a whisper, no, a shout, from father to let you know all would be well

i'm biased but i prefer our aussie performer's rendition

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaaFby5as4I&feature=related

Kansas Bob January 13, 2008 at 11:43 AM  

I first heard The Prayer at a wedding and cried at the words and at the sweetness of the melody ... my eyes are tearing up with joy in my heart for your courageous battle and victory P.

I heard it this morning that faith isn't really faith unless there is a struggle.. I hated hearing it but know that it is truth.

Many blessings, Bob

Milly January 13, 2008 at 5:52 PM  

I so hate those monsters. I'm glad you're rid of them.

Heidi Renee January 14, 2008 at 6:41 AM  

oh that is so beautiful - it brings tears to my eyes. knowing our kids can minister to us even when they don't know all the gory details.

thank you for sharing about your dragons. they sound like they are in the same family as mine were...

Mark D February 16, 2009 at 4:55 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark D February 16, 2009 at 4:56 PM  

Smiling :)