Wednesday, June 20, 2007

From the Abyss to the Mountaintop:

A Journey through the Darkness

The Foundation

The Darkness is a very real place. It is filled with despair, yet it seems to be the only place where I am not invisible. Hope, joy, fulfillment are just words, not a way of life. What an irony, that the only place that is real is the one place that tortures me. And what of the faith that led me to give my heart to Jesus, that has kept me alive when I was convinced that I was poision to my children? I must be beyond hope, even beyond His reach, because the Darkness is still here.

Healing from that Darkness is not an easy task, and not one that is going to be accomplished in one step. One of the most important foundations is to see yourself as Jesus sees you. I promise you, it is not the way you see yourself. When you get through all of the pious religious bumper sticker adjectives, (i.e. “I’m not perfect, just forgiven”), all the hymns, praise songs on the radio, Bible studies--what is left? How do you see yourself? Broken, damaged, cracked, blind--poison. All these, the very reasons that Jesus wants to breathe His breath of life through you, bathe you in His love and lift your head with His strength.

Meditate on these:
I John 1
I Peter 1

Psalm 31:25 (NIV)
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

How in the world does this happen? How can I, broken, full of the dark shame, be clothed with strength and dignity, laughing at the days to come?

Hebrews 2: 11-15
For both he who makes sacred and those who are being made sacred are all from one family. For this reason Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.
He says “I will announce your name to my brothers and sisters,
I will sing festive praise songs to you in the midst of the assembly.”
And AGAIN, “I will put my trust in Him.”
And AGAIN he says, “Indeed, here I am, AND THE CHILDREN THAT GOD HAS GIVEN TO ME.”

So since the children went into partnership with flesh and blood, he also pretty much shared in their flesh and blood. This was so that through his death he would abolish the effects of him who holds the power over death, that is Slanderer-Liar, and RELEASE the one from death, those in fear, who all their lives were liable to the penalty of slavery.”

Song of Solomon 2:14“ O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, In the secret places of the cliff, Let me see your face, Let me hear your voice; For your voice is sweet, And your face is lovely.”

God, I am lost in the darkness. It is all that I know about myself.
I have no trust, no hope for light.

“Shine your light, God, in my darkness. I want to be clothed in strength and dignity. I will lift my head up so that you can see my face because I am beautiful in Your eyes.”


I still struggle with the old Darkness--but I have a new Foundation. The tug-o-war is not about how God sees me, it is the old voices that, although quieter now, still whisper to me in my weak, tired times.