Thursday, May 28, 2009

Almost two years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The bad kind that no one survives. I talked to the doctor--told him to cut the vague BS because I'm smarter than I look--he had mercy on me and told me the truth; no one survives this. She has done all of the usual things--the radiation, the chemo, the experimental GEMZAR that made her want to die just to feel better--and now the treatments are over because the cancer is everywhere, on the move, taking over her body. Now she is waiting, using morphine and fentanyl to ease the pain.
My siblings are grief-stricken; they expected the doctors and the meds to work, for God to perform a miracle and heal their mother. They look at me with suspicion, wondering why I don't fall apart when they do--they LOVE her, that's why they cry--I must not LOVE her.
I dreamed about this years ago. The terror, the tears, the grief that takes the strength out of your legs and breath out of your body--I've done it already. There was not one minute that I thought she would survive this--where is my faith? They have been praying daily for her healing, laying hands on her once a week for healing--they believe and wonder Why? Why doesn't God heal her?

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I don't have an answer, and don't expect to have an answer--that is between my mother and God. Maybe she'll remember to ask her questions when she sees Jehovah's face --but I don't think it will really matter to her. She'll be kind of busy being pure and perfect, with no pain, no tears, no veil between her and Jesus. And that's the best healing I can think of.


Kansas Bob May 28, 2009 at 1:17 PM  

I had a similar reaction when my dad got sick and eventually passed away. Mt sisters just didn't understand that some of us grieve differently.

I guess I asked those why questions when my first wife had a heart attack/kidney failure, suffered for 4 years and died.. never got an answer.. still wonder. Some questions are simply unanswerable this side of death.

I am sorry for the way that you must be hurting P.. sometimes stuff like cancer happens and all we can do is try our best to hang on to Jesus knowing that he is hanging on to us.

Heidi Renee May 28, 2009 at 2:07 PM  

I'm sorry Alice. there is no normal way to do this. do whatever feels right for you. and there is no measure of love or faith here either.

my mum died when i was 21 - 23 years ago - i can hardly believe it ever happened or hardly believe that it wasn't yesterday.

you and your family will be in my prayers. thank you for dropping in.

Kel May 28, 2009 at 2:44 PM  

Alice, I'm sorry to hear you and your family have been and are going through this

you are being held in my thoughts and prayers

Kevin Knox May 28, 2009 at 8:53 PM  

Amen, sister.

Love can embrace reality with all its grief and keep on loving. If God does not heal, it's because He's doing this, and so are you.

Stand firm. Cry when it's time. You're hallowing His Name.

Milly May 29, 2009 at 11:14 AM  

It’s odd how some just don’t seem to understand that we all handle life and death differently.
You heard exactly what the doctor said. They heard hope.
When my grandfather was dying my mother was reserved while at the hospital. Her father wasn’t a good husband to my grandmother and had dropped out of our lives for awhile. Every night my mom would call me with updates and cry. She held it in until she felt safe. Her sisters thought she was awful for not falling apart in front of them.

Mom also taught me to stay reserved at funerals because she hated the big freak outs. I was questioned by a cousin for not crying enough. I held steady and told her it was to honor my mom.

Stay strong and steady.
I’m praying for all of you.

God is healing her and she will shine in heaven with my mom

Patchouli May 30, 2009 at 7:29 AM  

I feel very loved and safe

Lynne June 15, 2009 at 11:06 PM  

God is a mystery. Death is a mystery. The only thing we know is that death has been conquered. But while we live in the in-between, we have to taste all the bitterness of death and suffering. And we must each find our own way to cope and to be real. It is the same steady-eyed truthfulness that has caused you to face it this way which has been the strength for you to do so many other hard things that have been needed. dry-eyed grief is just as real as any other kind.