Baptism, round II

The posts Baptism and Forgiveness are stream of consciousness writing triggered by a short conversation with a new friend. There is something about him, how he embraces his shadow without condemning himself--it fascinates me.

BUT

the words "I have so much negativity (in my heart) already," --hurts, losses, unhealed wounds--those words broke my heart. There is so much good, so much joy, so much love to be had
IF I am willing to forgive and let joy heal that spot.

Caroline Myss offers this definition of baptism: "the celebration of accepting with gratitude every aspect of your life and all those who are a part of your life. ...(being) reborn into your own life..."

I immediately remember James 1:16-18: "Make no mistake, my dearly loved fellow believers! Every good legacy and every complete gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of the celestial lights, in whom there is no variation of shadow of change. He deliberately brought us into being by means of truthful Word to be some the first offerings of his creations."

I am deliberate, well-thought out, good and complete. My Creator, Breath of Life, fills all the hurt places with joy and light.

I accept, I receive.
I am healed.

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Is this a JOKE? Please tell me this is a joke....

Just when I think I've got a handle on my outrage, I come across THIS.

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Baptism

Nothing/something
unnamed maybe baby

but still

thru baptism

breath of heaven

useless/precious
just a slug/ to die for

feed me hold me clean me hold me feed me holdmecleanmeholdmefeedme

innocent /pure/ new/ clean/ perfect

Something/nothing

My tears/ my baptism
Breath of Heaven
River of Spirit from now to then
drown me in nothing
raise me up to myself

I am not nothing
I am Someone

holdmeholdmeholdmeholdmeholdmeholdmeholdme

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Forgiveness

A stone within
a void a space a place that crowds out displaces takes over
sucks up blocks blacks whites consumes devours absorbs
sponge cancer spotlight abyss

There goes my
hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me

drags me chains me it goes I follow
bullring in my nose
protects me comforts me
this stone
this brilliance
keeps me safe
keeps me bound

It goes there I want to go here

The rope the noose the ties that bind and choke and suffocate
my hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me

Will the stone by rolled away
to hide another wound?

I am what I am in the now that I am
Forgiveness
I am now, not then
not a stone, but a dandelion
my hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me
a million dandelion babies
on wings of peace
grow babies grow

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What do you bring to the counseling relationship?

I believe in you, for you, until you can believe it yourself. That is what I bring to a therapeutic relationship. My job is to work myself right out of a job, to help you dismantle the wall of denial/self-doubt/self-destructive behavior brick by brick until there you are. A person who seeks help needs to be taught to find, respect, and ultimately cherish their own gifts and strengths, to recognize the dysfunctional dynamics they live by and to move into a new way of life.

My family is a case study in dysfunction. Interestingly, substance abuse was not a factor in the dysfunction while I was a child, but has manifested in this generation. If there is an abuse that I didn’t suffer (along with my siblings), I have yet to discover it. Verbal, emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual, --name one and I’ll tell you a personal story. I have been in the darkest pit of fear and despair and done immensely destructive things to deal with the pain—addictive eating, blaming, self-mutilation, raging—the only reason I didn’t off myself is that I didn’t want to miss my girls growing up.

But that isn’t the most important part of the story—the most important part is that the story isn’t over yet. I am not defined by my abuse, nor am I defined by my “survivorship.”

My identity is first my name: Alice Katherine, which means “Truth” and “Purity.” Cool, huh? And it flows from there: the pure truth is I am intuitive, perceptive, tender-hearted, called to minister, a fallen human being who is determined to find the joy in this fallen world and to share it. We all, every one of us, were born innocent and deserve to be that again—fresh and new, ready to face the world with a foundation of love and acceptance—that is what I can provide: the hope realized that we do not have to be a prisoner to our past. That path, that door to a new life is to be discovered by each person in her own journey.

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