Patchouli Ponderings

Newest pastel portrait

2010-04-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

Em was standing by a window that made the grooviest shadow across her face....

Celebrate Earth!

2010-04-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

How often do I pray for the earth, for animals, plants or other parts of nature?

This week’s tip comes from Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditations.

“Perhaps it is more than coincidence that we created this Earth Day at the same time that the church used to process through the fields praying and singing in late April. They were called for centuries the “Rogation Days,” and of course reflected the largely agrarian Christian world of that time. For three days they prayed for the earth, the crops, the fields, streams, and the animals. Surely they were also praying for good weather for their crops, and they knew the immediate and specific connection between planting and harvesting. (There was no packaged food yet.)

When you pray for something, you are offering it respect and acknowledging its dignity and importance in the great cycle of life. How sad that many of us now suffer from “NDD” or Nature Deficit Disorder, and do not even know where our food comes from or the names of many plants, trees, foods, and animals that are keeping us alive and keeping the world beautiful and balanced. Maybe all days deserve to be Earth Days, or Rogation Days of praying, and not just one day.”

Mantra:

The whole earth is full of God's glory!

Sharing a few more of my favorites

2010-04-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

Morning Nap

2010-04-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

Natural Light on the Fly II

2010-04-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

Yep, we were at the gun range

This beauty walked across the field to have her picture taken

Natural Light on the Fly I

2010-04-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

Last half-time show for this drum major

I love this chick! Always a surprise!

This was a beautiful afternoon around Christmas

Seasons

2009-12-14T04:51:00.000-08:00

What season are you experiencing?
Are you able to accept that this "is" now?
~kel

That kel, always making me think.

It's been a long, dark, cold winter. Everything has been asleep while cold has been howling and killing.
But I've survived, asleep somewhere, and now maybe there's a break in the clouds. I feel like my old self sometimes, a little wiser and more careful, seeking the sun. But then, life strikes again--this week I will attend the burial of my 16 yr old nephew, killed accidentally, senselessly, tragically.
I had a hold on life, confident of my place, my space, my calling--it feels like I got hit by a truck while I was singing to my favorite song, hit first with the suicide of my friend and and then...well, everything else. What my sister must be going through is unimaginable.

It's not my thing to reach out, ask for help. Obviously, I disappear if I don't have an encouraging word, a wise observation to share. I'm not one of those weak, needy people that need a lot of hand-holding.
Oh, who am I kidding--I really need everybody to hold my hand right now. It won't make the winter go away, but I will feel a little warmer.

A kitten a day keeps me happy...

2009-12-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

2009-12-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

Advent (from the Latin word adventus, meaning "coming") is a season of the Western Christian churches, the period of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of the Nativity of Jesus.

Tradition instructs us to practice Advent during the four weeks before Christmas Day, but my reality is that I have been waiting for six months for the Star to light up my sky and lead me to the Answer. I wonder if those Wise Guys ever got tired while they were trudging across the land and had a doubt or two (or five) that the Promise really existed and why was it so far away. But of course, that is what kept them going--the Promise. The Promise of freedom from slavery, of deliverance from darkness, the King of Kings who had a star created in His honor. But still, after a full day of stubborn camels, sprained ankles, cranky servants, and spoiled food, I imagine at least one wise one taking a walk away from the camp just to get away for a minute and gather his thoughts. He probably got just far enough away that he couldn't hear the hubbub of the others, far enough away that he could hear his own breath and footsteps on the path. Maybe he sat down on a rock, or on the cold ground, or maybe he just lost the will to take one more step of faith and dropped to his hands and knees, telling God "Enough!" And in that one word, he confessed his humanity, his limits, his need, his failure to live up to the expectations of the the title "Wise Man" and felt the world crash down around his head. Surely he cried, because in his tears was the sparkle of starsong, singing him to the little hut right down the road. He ran there and found the Promise, new and fresh with that little baby smell, and held Jesus as close as he could, renewed, redeemed, reborn.

Isaiah 9:2
2 The people walking in darkness

have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of the shadow of death [a]

a light has dawned.

2009-06-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

My mother is home

2009-06-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

Jehovah answers.
My mother is dancing now.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat
And if that billy goat won't pull,
Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull
And if that cart and bull turn over,
Mama's going to buy you a dog named Rover.
And if that dog named Rover won't bark,
Mama's going to buy you a horse and cart.
And if that horse and cart fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

2009-05-29T04:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like a lone traveler
until someone catches me
when I stumble

I've been watching my own feet
unaware that you are here
right here
walking along with me

Holding me up
with words written on a page
But more than that

A strong arm
A cup of cold water
A song by a campfire
Bread for strength

And we get up, walk on
Facing forward
Watching not my feet
but on the lookout for those who are weary

2009-05-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

Almost two years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The bad kind that no one survives. I talked to the doctor--told him to cut the vague BS because I'm smarter than I look--he had mercy on me and told me the truth; no one survives this. She has done all of the usual things--the radiation, the chemo, the experimental GEMZAR that made her want to die just to feel better--and now the treatments are over because the cancer is everywhere, on the move, taking over her body. Now she is waiting, using morphine and fentanyl to ease the pain.
My siblings are grief-stricken; they expected the doctors and the meds to work, for God to perform a miracle and heal their mother. They look at me with suspicion, wondering why I don't fall apart when they do--they LOVE her, that's why they cry--I must not LOVE her.
I dreamed about this years ago. The terror, the tears, the grief that takes the strength out of your legs and breath out of your body--I've done it already. There was not one minute that I thought she would survive this--where is my faith? They have been praying daily for her healing, laying hands on her once a week for healing--they believe and wonder Why? Why doesn't God heal her?

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)

⁸ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I don't have an answer, and don't expect to have an answer--that is between my mother and God. Maybe she'll remember to ask her questions when she sees Jehovah's face --but I don't think it will really matter to her. She'll be kind of busy being pure and perfect, with no pain, no tears, no veil between her and Jesus. And that's the best healing I can think of.

Isn't she lovely

2009-04-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

It's all about the potatoes...

2009-03-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

Of all the gifts my grandmother passed to me--gardening, stubbornness, my birthday--the one that would really like to return is the ability to make a mountain out of a molehill. A day wasn't complete without something to worry about, to obsess over, to suck the good right out of the morning, afternoon, and night. I learned well from my grandmother.

These days are busier than ever; I've started my practicum along with the last required classes before graduation, there are three teen-agers in the house now, and Mr. P's business is growing. Someone is constantly needing something RIGHT NOW--clients, kids, pets, school, bills, laundry--and with my keen sense of mountain--building, well, dirty laundry isn't just dirty laundry, it's klieg lights and sirens highlighting my failure as a mom/wife/human being. My children will need therapy to restore their self-esteem after going to school wearing dirty socks.

Well, I understand that this kind of thinking will get me nowhere except and early grave or the doctor's office with migraines, all by my lonesome because neurotic people are MISERABLE to live with, so I've been asking. A LOT. It goes something like this:
"JESUS HELP ME! I'M GOING TO BE THE HEADLINE ON THE FOX NEWS CHANNEL TONIGHT IF I DON'T GET SOME RELIEF!"

That's not a question, I know. I always intend on asking for help, it just comes out a little different.

And then it's time to make dinner. Again. I have a thing about plain food--if I serve plain food, I feel like a---say it with me--failure. My cookbook collection is a little overwhelming. Does anyone else have pickled ginger or kefir lime leaves on their condiment shelf? Asking Mr P doesn't help--
"What kind of potatoes do you want with your hamburger? Hash browns, scalloped, twice-baked---"
"Just put boil them and put some butter and salt on them. You don't have to waste energy going all gourmet on the potatoes!"

The clouds parted, sunshine flooded the room, and the angels started singing.
Not really, but that's how it felt.

If I can just go all gourmet on the potatoes, I CAN put all of my energy into this one thing instead of 400 little things. I CAN MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THE POTATOES!

And it works. Life is much more about living because I have a place to focus my neuroses--
say it with me-It's all about the potatoes.

Light My Way

2009-03-06T19:29:00.000-08:00

Long, long ago, I had a dream. As my house burned, I turned away from the destruction and faced a dark forest. There was one path into the darkness--and my daughter, Abby, was lighting candles and placing them along the path.

For all of the candle-lighters along the way--thank you.
I am finally home.

From another place

2009-01-24T09:20:00.000-08:00

What are those lyrics again?
"Closing Time,
Time for you to go out
to the places you will be from.
Closing Time,
Every new beginning
Comes from some other beginning's end."
~~Semisonic

No more digging through the past to try to connect the dots that answer the question "WHY?"
I already know the answers.
No more rehashing/reliving/what was done/who did it/how does it effect me now?

The only question I am interested in now is "Why not?"

What are those lyrics again?

Update: Seconds after I hit "Publish Post," I moseyed over to Heather's blog to see what's up with her...a little bit of Jesus, that's what.

"I am done reliving the past."

Do you hear Him laughing?

Art Attack--State of Being

2009-01-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

My first Art Attack post, thank you kel.

Lots of great news over at her place

Be careful what you pray for...

2008-12-05T04:38:00.000-08:00

I asked and God answered--now my days are so full that my poor little blog is being neglected. Well, for anyone who still stops by, I found these and couldn't wait to share:

Happiness is Contagious AND

Free Hugs

For bobbie

2008-11-22T06:34:00.000-08:00

My friend bobbie has spent the last year on a journey back to herself. For you, bobbie, and to all of us who are forging that path to our own heart. May we all come home to ourselves.

Ain't I a Woman??

2008-11-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

Sojourner Truth's Speech Ain't I a Woman? was delivered at the Women's Convention in Akron, Ohio in 1851. The speech was recorded by Frances Gage, feminist activist and one of the authors of the huge compendium of materials of the first wave, The History of Woman Suffrage. Gage, who was presiding at the meeting, describes the event:

The leaders of the movement trembled on seeing a tall, gaunt black woman in a gray dress and white turban, surmounted with an uncouth sunbonnet, march deliberately into the church, walk with the air of a queen up the aisle, and take her seat upon the pulpit steps. A buzz of disapprobation was heard all over the house, and there fell on the listening ear, 'An abolition affair!" "Woman's rights and n------!" "I told you so!" "Go it, d-----!" . . Again and again, timorous and trembling ones came to me and said, with earnestness, "Don't let her speak, Mrs. Gage, it will ruin us. Every newspaper in the land will have our cause mixed up with abolition and niggers, and we shall be utterly denounced." My only answer was, "We shall see when the time comes."
The second day the work waxed warm. Methodist, Baptist, Episcopal, Presbyterian, and Universalist minister came in to hear and discuss the resolutions presented. One claimed superior rights and privileges for man, on the ground of "superior intellect"; another, because of the "manhood of Christ; if God had desired the equality of woman, He would have given some token of His will through the birth, life, and death of the Saviour." Another gave us a theological view of the "sin of our first mother."
There were very few women in those days who dared to "speak in meeting"; and the august teachers of the people were seemingly getting the better of us, while the boys in the galleries, and the sneerers among the pews, were hugely enjoying the discomfiture as they supposed, of the "strong-minded." Some of the tender-skinned friends were on the point of losing dignity, and the atmosphere betokened a storm. When, slowly from her seat in the corner rose Sojourner Truth, who, till now, had scarcely lifted her head. "Don't let her speak!" gasped half a dozen in my ear. She moved slowly and solemnly to the front, laid her old bonnet at her feet, and turned her great speaking eyes to me. There was a hissing sound of disapprobation above and below. I rose and announced, "Sojourner Truth," and begged the audience to keep silence for a few moments.
The tumult subsided at once, and every eye was fixed on this almost Amazon form, which stood nearly six feet high, head erect, and eyes piercing the upper air like one in a dream. At her first word there was a profound hush. She spoke in deep tones, which, though not loud, reached every ear in the house, and away through the throng at the doors and windows
Sojourner Truth, her first language being Dutch, spoke in a dialect that is perhaps difficult for the modern reader. The following is the speech rendered in a modern dialect:

Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the Negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about?
That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen them most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?
Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?
Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.
If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back, and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.
Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say.

from Wikipedia.org

Raise it up

2008-11-02T18:54:00.000-08:00

For someone who loves to express herself in written form, words are just not enough for how I feel right now. There is just so much going on in this life for us--there will be a time for sharing, but for now, these snippets express the direction in which we are moving...

.
John 6:39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day.
(New International Version)

James 1:26-27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I'll have a little Jesus with my coffee, please....

2008-10-31T04:39:00.000-07:00

THIS is the love of Jesus in action, THIS is walking the talk, THIS is...well, just read it.

DALLAS — A Texas woman went to a housing auction distraught about the prospect of watching strangers bid on her foreclosed home.
Then one of those strangers bought it back for her.
Now Tracy Orr can return to her Pottsboro home, making payments to the woman who unexpectedly and impulsively bought it for her.
"It means so much to all of us," Orr told Dallas television station WFAA. "It's not just a house."

Read the rest of the story here

2008-10-30T07:43:00.000-07:00

I 've been a little envious of all the neat critters kel has at her place...so I was thrilled when this Long-eared Owl showed up in my backyard. I don't know how long she had been watching me play with Penelope, but she didn't seem at all bothered by us.
While trying to identify this beauty, I came across some Native American legends about the owl--and I'm pretty happy about being visited by her. May your way, and mine, be illuminated as changes take place.

The Power of CHOICE

2008-10-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

Deuteronomy 30:19 (The Message)
The Message (MSG)
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson
19-20 I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself, a long life settled on the soil that God, your God, promised to give your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Thank you, moonlite987

2008-09-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

Here, there, everywhere...

2008-09-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

There was a weed in my garden. Right there in the middle of everything, with it's big, spiky, grey-green leaves and spirally stems....I meant to pull it up, but was curious about what was going to show up when those buds finally popped.

On my morning garden walk, this is what greeted me--a glowing poppy, looking like angels had gone skinny-dipping in the birdbath and left their wings behind in their hurry to not be seen.

Emma is one of our bonus kids--she's been around for so long that she's part of the family. (Josh is another, but this isn't about him.) Most summers, Emily and Emma stay with Emma's aunt and uncle in Delaware, South Carolina, and, last year, in Florida. I haven't had a summer with them since they were 12 years old. This summer, however, Emma lived with us--so I got both Ems all to myself!

Emma recently met Jesus--after years of being skeptical and being judged, she met her real, true, living Savior. And let me tell you, there is just nothing like being with a newly in love Christian who asks a lot of questions and has a solid gold foundation of faith. Seeing the Word thru her fresh eyes made it come alive again--(as a matter of fact, I am convinced that there are some chapters that mysteriously appeared in my bible that were not there before.) This led to some interesting mealtimes--which are interesting at the very least, and more often than not, chaotic around here, as we all have very different food personalities--a vegan, a raw vegan, a junkfoodaholic, a carnivore, and a sometimes vegetarian. (Emma has been eating college food and LOVED the raw vegan recipes we tried.) Meal prep seemed to be the only time all of us were in the same room at the same time, and we all have something to say about everything and I couldn't wait for all us girls to be in the kitchen chopping, boiling, tossing, and dancing around each other while MrP pretended to play solitaire in the next room---Anyway, back to Jesus--well, that's another sermon--and the missing parts of my bible:

I have read the Gospels before--haven't I? I have been to enough Sunday School classes, Bible Studies, Sunday services and Wednesday nights that of course I've read the Gospels--haven't I? The first five verses of John are my anchor. But, truly, no, I don't think I have ever read a Gospel from start to finish--and hopping around from verse to verse during Bible studies with the Christmas and Easter stories thrown in once a year doesn't count.

So I started reading John. And it stayed beautiful after the first five verses.

Did you know that Jesus prayed for you? Right there in the Gospel of John, chapter 17. I didn't know that. And still, every time I read that chapter, when I hear Jesus Christ praying for me to carry happiness, to be safe from the Evil One, to make me sacred by the truth, that His love will be within me--well, how does it make you feel to know that the Savior, the Lamb, the Bright and Morning Star is praying for you?

"And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not suppress it." John 1:5
"Make them sacred by the truth: your Word is the the truth." John 17:17

Meet Tommy

2008-07-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

Mr P met Tommy when he was 14 years old and Tommy was six years older. When Tommy got saved, so did Mr P. He tells me that no one can outscripture Tommy--he knows his bible backward/forward/inside and out. When tragedy came to Mr P and took everything, Tommy was right there until MrP found his way back to life on a dirt bike. He and his wife were the first persons Mr P introduced me to when he believed I was the one: "This is my future." For 36 years, they have shared that bond of absolute unconditional love and comfort. When Tommy's teen-age son died, MrP didn't have any words of comfort--he stayed close and promised Tommy that he would take him dirt bike riding.
That was 13 yrs ago. Tommy has had some health issues--when he visited last week, he told everyone,"I'm not drunk, I've had a few strokes!" He's unsteady, keeping his cane close. He can't read his Bible so well anymore. When everyone settled in for a great Tommy sermon, his most fervent words were spoken directly to each person: "GOD LOVES YOU!" As if we hadn't heard that before--but the way he said it, well, I don't think anyone had believed it quite so much until then.

Mr P and Tommy went outside to sit for awhile--like they do---and MrP rolled his big dirt bike right up on the patio and started it. Tommy didn't ask, just made his wobbly way over and got on the bike. And stayed there until life felt right again.

2008-07-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite artists.

Welcome to my garden!

2008-06-12T06:31:00.000-07:00

Every morning I find something new--and wanted to share some of the best---

The first ripe tomato

Good day sunshine

Yes, this is edible!

Garden Angel

Have you ever heard Jesus laugh??

2008-06-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

Given that I'm further away from 18 years old than it took to get there, I feel blessed that I can still recall some of my dreams at that age. Getting married and having children wasn't a dream, but a responsibility-one that I took very seriously. I think I've done a pretty good job, even if some days I have been known to send out smoke signals: "SEND HELP!" And of course those days that every mother has when she knows that there will be a Greek tragedy played out RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW if I don't get a break! All mothers have those moments...right?

The Dream was planted in my heart when my pastor stopped in the middle of a sermon and set his gaze on the young people (all 5?6? of us). With great tenderness and tears, he spoke a blessing: "You can change the world. You can change the world."

And then continued with his teaching.

I believed him.

A safe place, a haven, a soft place to fall for those who have been wounded. A place to heal.

It didn't occur to me that this is exactly what I needed, or how long it would take for healing to take place. The seed was planted. El Tosors de la Vida --Treasure of Life.

The decisions, choices, and circumstances in the next few years (years!) took me far away from that safe place, that haven for the wounded hearts. Apparently, someone else was going to change the world. My sin had cost me the chance to change the world, to bring Light to those in the dark the way I had dreamt about. My dream was dust.

Emily has spent the last year since graduating high school struggling with her head vs her heart: What do I want to do? What do I want to be? Who am I? What is my purpose? Do I follow the money or follow my heart?

My tender-hearted girl, chasing one butterfly after another--which one will make me happy? She has struggled with school so much that she asked me to take a few classes with her--she needs the companionship.

And then she decided she wants a degree in psychology.

And then she wants a Master's so she can be a grief counselor.

I've been watchfully waiting for another butterfly to catch her attention, but this is no butterfly.

On Mother's Day, she gave me a book--"One Nation Under Therapy--How the Helping Culture is Eroding Self-Reliance." Her note inside: "We'll be battling ideas when we're both psychologists!" Why, she believes in me as much as I believe in her!

We were researching colleges last week and she started describing what she wants to accomplish: her purpose, what she is meant to do---her dream:

" I want to have a place where hurting people can come and be healed. I want them to feel safe and loved so they can be everything they are meant to be."

Jesus, Jesus, did You hear that ?

Have you ever heard Jesus laugh?

Have you ever had a dream that had turned to dust suddenly come to life right in your face?

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

2008-06-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

While we all need prayer all of the time, some have opportunities to receive an immeasurable amount of grace. Go and see Emma Grace and her mom, Heather.

Update: Happy Birthday Emma Grace! Her smile makes me feel like it's my birthday!

Locks of Love

2008-06-03T06:08:00.000-07:00

Before During After

After cutting off 16-18 inches of hair for Locks of Love

She's been talking about it for a long time, but now it's personal--her granma is losing all of her hair from chemo. She likes to think that some of her donation will make it to her granma's head!

Why'd ya have to go and make things so complicated?

2008-05-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

There's a message board I visit once in a while to see what the Emergent Church is up to. No good, it seems to me. The bickering and arguing about Calvinism vs Armenianism, why do we have to use Him/Her when we refer to God--God is a MAN!; When Peter walked on the water, what spiritual lesson was he supposed to learn according to which theology and which one is RIGHT?

People, people, PEOPLE!

"This is my Father's purpose--that everyone who looks to the Son and believes him will have eternal life." John 6:40

"Let me emphasize this: the person who believes has eternal life." John 6:47

" Didn't I tell you that if you believed, you would see God's splendor?" John 11:40

Amy more questions?

2008-05-22T03:54:00.000-07:00

In front of me are two stacks of papers. One is the itinerary for Abby's trip to France with her French club. Pairs, Loire, the Riviera--she is going to Provence! She'll see the Louvre, stand on the top of the Eiffel Tower, try to find that organic bakery that kel told us about--she will be where I have only dreamed to go. Never in my life did I believe that France would be so ---accessible.

The other stack is all the notes I have taken while talking to my mother. She really doesn't want to know exactly this cancer is about, and no one else does either. The doctor said chemo, so that's what she's doing. Because of the privacy issue, the doctor's staff can't share information with me--not a thing. NOT ANYTHING. And I want to know. EVERYTHING. That's how I deal with issues--get as much info as possible. And now I'm hitting a brick wall because no one in my family has asked any questions. This is the way they deal with crisis--not dealing with it at all.

Just a little history (without the boring details): no, I am not close with my family. At all. I talk with my brother, which is frustrating, as he is a traditional complementarian--he talks to me like I'm simple and he has all the answers because he is a man, made in God's image, and I am a woman, made to glorify man. My insights are met with correction and doubt. He has a good heart, which keeps me from biting his head off...there is no communication with my two sisters or my father--the level of bitterness and hatred from them is unreal and my father--well, he just isn't safe.

What I do know is that my mother has a recurrence cancer in her spine and internal organs. The doctor did advise that my nephew, Justin, come home sooner than later to see his granma--like right now. This was met with puzzlement from my brother: "Why is he coming right now? Why not wait until later when she is better?" Is this faith or denial?

I had a dream/vision at 2:50 exactly on Monday morning. I saw the clock, I was awake--but I was speaking to the cancer in my mother's body. We were in the same place, that cancer and me. "I don't believe you," I said to it. "You are not bigger than my faith. I am in Christ, Christ is in me, and you have no power."
And it spoke back: "But we have permission."

When I think I'm going under
Part the waters Lord.
When I feel the waves around me
Calm the sea.
When I cry for help
O here me Lord
and hold out Your hand.
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me.

Stormy seas

2008-05-16T11:56:00.002-07:00

Today I felt the sunshine after a long time under cloudy skies. I knew the sun would come out again, given time. I even prepared to write about Jesus' words "I am existence!" found in Mark 6:50 and how on a morning walk those words connected with John 1:1-5 and...but now that I have a chance to put it all together...

Maybe I'm supposed to connect those words with the words I heard not an hour ago while standing in the Thrift Store with a cart full of bargains---"Mom's cancer came back. It's in her spine and it's inoperable."

"Be brave! I am existence! Don't be scared!"---Mark 6:50

Penelope

2008-05-04T06:26:00.000-07:00

Em and Rusty's new puppy. The shelter said she is a terrier--HA! I took one look at her and rolled my eyes. Pointer/Pit mix I declared. Em rolled her eyes back at me--what do I know about dogs?--and took her for a check-up. When they came back, Rusty was laughing. The first words out of the vet's mouth: "What a pretty Pit!"

She is a sweetie.

These are the small things that construct my life. Things like a scarlet cardinal that plays in the sprinkler, my kids playing with their new puppy, the first roses in the garden, the way the sun dances on the wall for a few minutes every morning. The simple things that hold everything together for me right now. Love heals.

Promise

2008-05-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

This little guy just couldn't get enough of the water.
Not a care in the world--just enjoying the moment.
I could take a page out of his book, as my granma would say.

At Rest

2008-04-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

She didn't want a service, so we had a "processing meeting" at school. She was loved by everyone who knew her.

I saw her last Thursday--she was tired, so tired--but smiling, as usual. She was struggling with a painful physical illness, family drama--and just wanted to rest.

2008-04-29T04:25:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me a text message yesterday--three words that turned off the sun:
She killed herself.
I called the number, barely, it took two tries for the shaking.
Yes, it's true. My friend is dead.

I called her best friend--"What are you telling me?"
Jesus, hold me, her pain is taking me down.

Hours and hours of weeping--
but for one, my friend--
smiling always as she faded
always smiling

5 Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! .
I would fly away and be at rest-
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;

Selah

Filled with Spirit

2008-04-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Amen

Baptism, round II

2008-02-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

The posts Baptism and Forgiveness are stream of consciousness writing triggered by a short conversation with a new friend. There is something about him, how he embraces his shadow without condemning himself--it fascinates me.

BUT

the words "I have so much negativity (in my heart) already," --hurts, losses, unhealed wounds--those words broke my heart. There is so much good, so much joy, so much love to be had
IF I am willing to forgive and let joy heal that spot.

Caroline Myss offers this definition of baptism: "the celebration of accepting with gratitude every aspect of your life and all those who are a part of your life. ...(being) reborn into your own life..."

I immediately remember James 1:16-18: "Make no mistake, my dearly loved fellow believers! Every good legacy and every complete gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of the celestial lights, in whom there is no variation of shadow of change. He deliberately brought us into being by means of truthful Word to be some the first offerings of his creations."

I am deliberate, well-thought out, good and complete. My Creator, Breath of Life, fills all the hurt places with joy and light.

I accept, I receive.
I am healed.

Is this a JOKE? Please tell me this is a joke....

2008-02-14T04:26:00.000-08:00

Just when I think I've got a handle on my outrage, I come across THIS.

Baptism

2008-02-11T07:10:00.000-08:00

Nothing/something
unnamed maybe baby

but still

thru baptism

breath of heaven

useless/precious
just a slug/ to die for

feed me hold me clean me hold me feed me holdmecleanmeholdmefeedme

innocent /pure/ new/ clean/ perfect

Something/nothing

My tears/ my baptism
Breath of Heaven
River of Spirit from now to then
drown me in nothing
raise me up to myself

I am not nothing
I am Someone

holdmeholdmeholdmeholdmeholdmeholdmeholdme

Forgiveness

2008-02-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

A stone within
a void a space a place that crowds out displaces takes over
sucks up blocks blacks whites consumes devours absorbs
sponge cancer spotlight abyss

There goes my
hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me

drags me chains me it goes I follow
bullring in my nose
protects me comforts me
this stone
this brilliance
keeps me safe
keeps me bound

It goes there I want to go here

The rope the noose the ties that bind and choke and suffocate
my hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me

Will the stone by rolled away
to hide another wound?

I am what I am in the now that I am
Forgiveness
I am now, not then
not a stone, but a dandelion
my hope/dreams/laughter/lover/baby/me
a million dandelion babies
on wings of peace
grow babies grow

What do you bring to the counseling relationship?

2008-02-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

I believe in you, for you, until you can believe it yourself. That is what I bring to a therapeutic relationship. My job is to work myself right out of a job, to help you dismantle the wall of denial/self-doubt/self-destructive behavior brick by brick until there you are. A person who seeks help needs to be taught to find, respect, and ultimately cherish their own gifts and strengths, to recognize the dysfunctional dynamics they live by and to move into a new way of life.

My family is a case study in dysfunction. Interestingly, substance abuse was not a factor in the dysfunction while I was a child, but has manifested in this generation. If there is an abuse that I didn’t suffer (along with my siblings), I have yet to discover it. Verbal, emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual, --name one and I’ll tell you a personal story. I have been in the darkest pit of fear and despair and done immensely destructive things to deal with the pain—addictive eating, blaming, self-mutilation, raging—the only reason I didn’t off myself is that I didn’t want to miss my girls growing up.

But that isn’t the most important part of the story—the most important part is that the story isn’t over yet. I am not defined by my abuse, nor am I defined by my “survivorship.”

My identity is first my name: Alice Katherine, which means “Truth” and “Purity.” Cool, huh? And it flows from there: the pure truth is I am intuitive, perceptive, tender-hearted, called to minister, a fallen human being who is determined to find the joy in this fallen world and to share it. We all, every one of us, were born innocent and deserve to be that again—fresh and new, ready to face the world with a foundation of love and acceptance—that is what I can provide: the hope realized that we do not have to be a prisoner to our past. That path, that door to a new life is to be discovered by each person in her own journey.

Soldiers need you

2008-01-16T06:54:00.000-08:00

I just received this:

WE HAVE MANY MORE HEROES BEING SUBMITTED THAN ANGELS JOINING

We really did good at Christmas. Heroes Love to be adopted!
We got this quote,

\"Your organization is highly coveted and recommended by all. Is it possible if we can be added to the Soldier\'s Angels program. We\'ve got a lot of young soldiers who are experiencing difficult times for their first deployment, and external support from our nation\'s greatest supporters would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.\"

It is wonderful we are able to help with morale.

Will you adopt another hero?
Or will you please cantact your local churches,
schools, hospitals, Scouts? Many of our sons and daughters are in harms way and could use some support from home!

If you are an approved angel financially able to adopt another hero please login to
http://approvedangels.com
and click the link \"Request an additional soldier\", or tell all you can to go to
http://soldiersangels.org/ and click adopt a soldier.

Thank you for helping!!
Love

Answered Prayer

2008-01-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

Darkness is a real place.

It is cold, sleepless, and comfortless. There is not a moment of rest, as the dragon may appear at any time.

This is where I lived as a child and as a grown-up.

In 2000, I spent my days battling the darkness that was always following me, always at the edges of my dreams, always around the corner waiting to trip me and pounce on me. It was big, with teeth and an ugly growl--I was powerless. That darkness marked me with self-loathinig and self-mutilation. It told me that my babies would be better off without me, and I began to believe it.

A rope was thrown to me, and I had to make a choice: this opportunity to face the fear meant that I would miss the end of school program, an extra special time, as it was put together by the students of the tiny private school my children attended. They chose the theme, wrote the skits, and chose the song they felt told the story of their hearts for that year. My little girls, 8 yrs and 5 yrs, would be singing and I would miss it if I chose to attend my own program.

I chose my own life for the first time.

Within a circle of support, I faced the monster for the first and last time, crying out my need for a safe place, just a safe place, please, just a place to be safe. Never, never, never, had I felt safe in my entire life--please, God, let me be safe and warm. Just once, I want to feel completely safe.

On that same night that I cried for safety, I slew that dragon, killed that monster that had been breathing down my neck for 33 years. It was ugly, it was exhausting--it was beautiful.

A few months later, I was driving with my girls and listening to "The Prayer" and noticed that Em and Abby were singing along. How did they know this song? "We sang it for at our end of the year program--" the one I missed in order to save my life.

The very same night, at the very same time that I was fighting for my life, crying for a safe place, my girls were singing this prayer for me:

Time Portal on my Christmas tree

2008-01-08T19:17:00.000-08:00

Behavior Modification Paper

2008-01-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

I WANT IT ALL

How I got rid of the real boogy man,

stopped being my own worst enemy,

and discovered what I had all along

Do you remember Yoda, the syntaxically challenged little Jedi master from the Star Wars series? (I always thought that anyone/thing that advanced should know how to speak correctly, but maybe he was way beyond that. He was still green, wrinkled, and had a funny voice. Within that context, I prefer Kermit the Frog.) Anyway, he was full of wise little sayings designed to confuse, hack off and ultimately lead his protégé, Luke, to a Zen state of Jedi consciousness wherein he could move objects with his mind. Surely this would be useful when he wanted to find the remote and there weren’t any children around to find it for him. Just think about it and it will zoom out from under the couch cushions and into your hand! Same with beer from the fridge! But I digress….
Yoda’s foundational words of wisdom that skewered Luke’s ego (and hopefully taught that lesson that After School Specials and Very Special Episodes of Blossom had been trying to teach to pre-teens) was the adage “There is no try, only do.”

Did Luke’s worldview shift when he heard that? Of course it did! All is possible! Nothing is impossible! Where is that remote? It can’t hide from my mind!
Yoda’s voice got stuck in my mind (or maybe it’s Kermit’s) but his words got tweaked a little to fit my worldview: “There is no try, only fail.”
Well, shit. There, I said it. What have I got to lose if you don’t allow cursing in a paper? It’s all over anyway.

So I started there, in the swamp with Yoda. How many times a day do hear that Yoda voice that is telling me that I failed? I had to sit for a while and just watch my thoughts go by. They were ugly and thin, and I had enough of them. Establishing a baseline was easy—he never shuts up! All day, every day, the smallest, most ordinary task is poisoned by the belief that I can’t even find ripe bananas at the grocery store and that‘s a reason to feel guilty. Now, how am I supposed to be a good mom and teach my girls to be strong and confident when every interaction and communication with them is tainted with my own guilt? I have pre-failed in situations that haven’t even happened yet! But there is a time that I don’t hear this voice—when I am asleep! Now, I understand that interrater reliability is impossible, as no one else can hear the voice(s?) inside head—but you are just going to take my word for it--
With my best B-MOD attitude, I employed systematic naturalistic observation and discovered that

I am a train wreck.

MAINTAINING CONDITION/ANTECEDENT: LIFE
BEHAVIOR (MINDSET): THERE IS NO TRY ONLY FAIL
CONSEQUENCES: FRUSTRATION, LONELINESS, ANGER, BITTERNESS, BOREDOM, DEPENDENCE, PROCRASTINATION, , MAKING EXCUSES, FAULT-FINDING, AVOIDING PEOPLE AND PLACES, NEVER TAKING A RISK, SECOND –GUESSING--

wait, do I really want to admit those things? What will Bob think of me? Will he think that I’m being way too familiar when I refer to him as Bob? Does he prefer Mr. DeWinne? Professor DeWinne? Dr Bob? Shit. Oh, damn, I cursed on this paper again….it is a Never. Ending. Circle. Of. Shit...that is generated from that one little phrase: "There is no try--only fail."
There’s a song by the Arc Angels that addresses this mindset perfectly:

Too Many Ways to Fall:

All we have is here and now

Tomorrow may not come true

There's a million people who walk this ground

Who might steal your wish from you

A million people maybe not

A human one at all

There's just one way that we can stand

Too many ways to fall

(Charlie Sexton, Tonio K., Chris Layton, Tommy Shannon)

Realistically, I can’t stop living –that’s another paper –and a hospital stay—so let’s just keep LIFE as a maintaining condition for now and dig a little deeper to identify another antecedent(s) that prompts the negative self talk.

Overt Behavior: Conflict with Daughter Abby
Cognition: She is SO resistant and negative
Emotion: I am so angry and judgmental (I have failed as a mother)

Physiological Response: Heart racing, angry expression, raised voice

And another one:
Overt Behavior: Disagreement with Spouse
Cognition: Why are you ignoring me?!!
Emotion: Angry, irrational, fearful, worthless
Physiological Response: Adrenaline rush, angry expression, raised voice, insomnia

Consequences include:
Loss of respect Anger in spouse/daughter
Loss of emotional intimacy Focus on problem vs. solution
Distance in relationship Rejection of advice
Loss of bonds/trust Isolation/loneliness
Avoid communication

Pay Offs include:
Self-fulfilling prophecy
Get them before they get me
Blame them for, well, just about everything
Being prepared for the inevitable failure/rejection/abandonment

Now I’m getting somewhere. I now have a deceleration target behavior (negative self-talk) and an acceleration behavior-- positive self-talk, an honest view of myself that mirrors the truth—that no one is perfect, shit happens, and that is OKAY!

In the words of Timon from “The Lion King,”
“Maybe you need a new lesson!”

Just look at him.

Is there an uglier twerp than this? And I’m supposed to like this boogy-looking thing that that can’t even speak syntaxically correctly and does so in a hormonally charged teen-boy voice? And he lives in my head?!!

So, Yody-Dody-Doo, here’s the thing. I don’t like you. I don’t like your voice, your message, or your delivery. You probably smell. So I am officially booting you out of my head. If it helps to blow my nose in order to great rid or your green ass, I’ll be happy to accommodate. We are done; we’re breaking up, yada, yada, yada—oops, yoda, yoda, yoda…
In order to adhere to the dead person rule, here is my new tape to play in an endless loop:

"There is no fail, only do."
Since Boogy-Boy has had free reign in my head for so long, it’s going to take some intense focus to kick him out and keep him out. I had to find the perfect replacement phrase/motto/picture to replace his creepy voice and face in my head.
One of my favorite hobbies is to create themed compilation CDs, stories in music. So I listened to many, many different tracks and gave myself permission to just react to the music, to not define it as right or wrong, just observe and let the journey unfold.
And then there it was, on my middle daughter’s fave CD: I Want It All by Queen. We have been listening to Queen for years; as a matter of fact, when my oldest was 14 and discovered she had the family butt, it was time for some intervention. Queen to the rescue! Fat-Bottomed Girls reframed her view of her butt and gave all of us girls a theme song. And we still sing it loud and proud!

I put a few more songs on this same CD, songs that reminded me of just who I am and who I want to be—songs that keep me in the NOW.

Do you see these faces? Instead of focusing on every reason that I have failed them, I am searching for every success in their faces and their lives. Dang, they totally rock! And I had a little something to do with that! Take that Yody-DOO! Oh, the songs! So Happy Together, Love Will Keep Us Together, Don’t Bring Me Down, She Drives Me Crazy, Love’s Divine, Waiting for You, Crazy, and Abby’s personal favorite It’s Raining Men—I included a free CD for your listening pleasure. Practiced thinking with my heart—picturing and meditating on this picture of my daughters and me.
Of course the first few days my reactivity level skyrocketed—I was absolutely flying on all the positive energy! I employed the Premack principle: no backing out of the driveway until the music was playing. I couldn’t go to my first class until I listened to three songs and cried at least once. (Okay, the last one wasn’t a requirement, but it might as well have been.) Who is Yoda? I LOVE everybody and everything! Life is wonderful! Who needs reinforcers?

And then I hit a brick wall: This is Abby.

She is my clone. We both have Taurus in our charts. We bring out the bull in each other. She can push my buttons faster and more efficiently than anyone I know. Who needs reinforcers? Abby is my main reinforcer agent. If I listen to and act on the negative self talk, she is the first person to suffer. And the effect of my negativity on her is devastating. I can reduce her to a mere brick with just a look. Looking at that without rose-colored glasses made me sick, but it was necessary. How many ways can I fail her? How many ways can I come through for her?

Yoda, it’s time you and me had a Come- to- Jesus talk

Abby was having BAD DAY. She didn’t want to go to school and could NOT be-LIEVE that I was making her go! This situation was ripe for conflict (antecedent), but I was determined and started reinforcing myself with humor and using competing responses: brushing my teeth, using a blowdryer, saying “I love you, Abby,” every time I wanted to speak sharply and using a time out when I felt myself wavering.
On the way to school, I put my hand over my mouth, which is completely incompatible with talking. I did turn on the music and So Happy Together was playing.

Imagine me and you, I do

I think about you day and night,

it's only right

To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime

And you say you belong to me and ease my mind

Imagine how the world could be so very fine

So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you

For all my life

When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue

For all my life

Me and you and you and me

matter how they toss the dice, it has to be

The only one for me is you, and you for me

So happy together

After the song stopped, Abby started talking about how the band practice the night before has been so terrible. I kept my hand over my mouth to keep myself from instructing her, just let her talk it out. When she got out at school and walked away, her favorite song came on. I turned up the volume and rolled the windows down as I drove away. She did not turn around, but her cadence changed and her back straightened—a sure sign that she was determined to NOT LOOK at me. At the VERY LAST SECOND, as she opened the door, she glanced at me with that I-wish-I-could-just-keep-hating-but-I-know-you-love-me” kind of smile.

BUS--TED!!

Now, how is that for a positive reinforcer? In this case, the antecedent (conflict) was replaced and the consequence was changed to a positive vs. a negative.
On another day, we went to the gym. Abby hates going to the gym. I thought it was because she is just stubborn, but being aware of my own negative self talk revealed something very different going on. I make her miserable, constantly looking over her shoulder, cranking up the treadmill, telling her she needs to challenge herself –and the drive home is just UGLY. Positive, positive, positive energy and thoughts—by the time I was on the elliptical machine and she was in front of me on the treadmill, I was using physically aversive consequences of sprinting every time I had a negative thought.
I also reframed every negative thought from lose mode to win mode.
On the drive home, Abby waited for the lecture about consistency and commitment, already tuning me out. Of course, if we are in the car, we have music!
Toni Tenille started singing “LOVE! Love will keep us together!” and I sang along, drowning out the remnants of any negative talk.

Gym membership: $400/year.
Singing an old song to your teen-age daughter in traffic (with made up hand signs): a little dignity
Look on her face when she starts singing with you:

PRICELESS

Abby and I walk just about every day—and I knew that Yoda was finally gone for good the day I was getting my walking shoes on and I heard her voice in my head saying—“I like walking with you, spending this time with you.”

I want it all— I’ve GOT it all!

All the gifts that I had wished for my girls: self-confidence, unconditional love, hope, and joy have come back to me. They were there all the time, waiting behind the boogy man with the deadly message. Approaching this issue from a B-Mod approach vs a psychoanalytical point of view took the focus off of the why and put it on the how. I can still look at the why if I want to ( I really don’t), but in the meantime, I have some good living to do—one that includes a lot of laughing with my social reinforcement agents.

Winter evening...

2007-12-15T07:59:00.000-08:00

Finals are done, Christmas concerts are over--now we get to sit by the fire an just be cozy. Meet Rusty--he loves Em and isn't afraid to tell the whole world.

Walls

2007-11-10T05:09:00.001-08:00

Anger is a secondary emotion, a signal emotion. It is usually hiding the original emotion that is just too scary to access. When I am angry, I know that I am feeling incredibly vulnerable behind it. One process that I have been practicing when I am angry is to ask myself

What am I afraid of losing?

Now, walking in faith is such a very easy thing to say I want to do, like KB describes in his recently reposted post Faith and Fatalism. I have walked out the fatalism part very, very well. It's the faith part that I trip over.

It takes faith in Someone bigger to face the anger and truly know how destructive it has been.
It takes faith in Someone so loving to receive forgiveness for that anger.
It take faith to let go of that anger that shields my heart and trust that Someone is (not will be, not maybe will be) my Shield and Protector.
It takes faith to finally let the Source in my heart be one of absolute love instead of suspicion and fear.

From Meetings at the Edge by Stephen Levine:

Dr Levine was counseling a woman who had lost a husband and two sons to cancer. Her nine-year-old daughter was dying of lymphoma and this mother refused to address dying with her daughter, believing that she would die from the grief. Here is a part of what Dr Leine said to her:

"We spoke of resistance to life which filters every perception, which pushes away our connectedness with all that we love and leaves us feeling so isolated. And I encouraged her to just start to breathe in to her heart with whatever love might meant to her at that moment and to breathe it back out, to send it to her daughter. That her essential connectedness with her daughter would become apparent beyond the ancient barricades which had so often kept her separate from the moment."

This mother was able to do this in the last weeks of her daughter' life. She shared that "we talked at length about cancer and God. And I told her that I loved her in a way that even losing her could not diminish. I don't think that I have ever acknowledged my feelings to anyone so directly. It was terrible. It was wonderful."

Opening my heart to the truth of myself led to opening to forgiveness.

Another client refused to forgive her husband as they both faced potentially fatal illnesses.

"As the heart opens, sometimes the armoring and pain that has held life away become so distinct we think we may die from it, that our heart will burst; but it is in a manner of speaking, just contact with that place where you have been broken-hearted."

And what does our wonderful Jesus promise--
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

He promises to restore us, to make us strong and steadfast and firm (1Peter 5:10).

With these promises and an assurance, I can "open to my anger in order to access my love."

"...we discussed what the qualities of anger in the mid are and how it closes the heart, how isolated we feel when anger i s a predominant experience and how frightening that experience can be. what self judgement it generates and what a feeling of aloneness it leaves us with. as We spoke of resentment and its investigation, tears mixed with vituperative resentment poured from her. But amidst her agitation there was a spark, the light of an opening heart shining through, of a sense of love that had probably accompanied her during much of her earlier life. Also, as she spoke, she could hear in her own words the power of anger to close the heart, to make everyone else 'an other,' to close her off from life.

"And so you know...that when we speak about 'opening the heart,' that doesn't quite get at it--the truth is that the heart is always there shining and we must just learn to 'open to it.'"

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:18

Isn't about time to stop punishing?

God Shows Up at College

2007-11-08T03:59:00.000-08:00

My B-MOD paper is due soon--

Do you remember Yoda, the syntaxically challenged little Jedi master from the Star Wars series? ( I always thought that anyone/thing that advanced should know how to speak correctly, but maybe he was way beyond that. He was still green, wrinkled, and had a funny voice. Within that context, I prefer Kermit the Frog.) Anyway, he was full of wise little sayings designed to confuse, piss off, and ultimately lead Luke to a Zen state of Jedi conciousness wherein he could move objects with his mind. Surely this would be useful when he wanted to find the remote and there weren’t any children around to find it for him. Just think about it and it will zoom out from under the couch cushions and into your hand! Same with beer from the fridge! But I digress….

Yoda’s foundational words of wisdom that skewered Luke’s ego (and hopefully taught that lesson that After School Specials and Very Special Episodes of Blossom had been trying to teach to pre-teens) was the adage “There is no try, only do.” Did Luke’s worldview shift when he heard that? Of course it did! All is possible! Nothing is impossible! Where is that remote? It can’t hide from my mind!

Yoda’s voice got stuck in my mind (or maybe it’s Kermit’s) but his words got tweaked a little to fit my worldview: “There is no try, only fail.”

Well, shit. There, I said it. What have I got to lose if you don’t allow cursing in a paper? It’s all over anyway.

There’s a song by the Arc Angels that addresses this mindset perfectly: Too Many Ways to Fall.

So I started there. How many times a day do hear that Yoda voice? Establishing a baseline was easy—he never shuts up! All day, every day, the smallest, most ordinary task is poisoned by the belief that I can’t even find ripe bananas at the grocery store and that's a reason to feel guilty. Now, how am I supposed to be a good mom and teach my girls to be strong and confident when every interaction and communication with them is tainted with my own guilt? I have pre-failed in situations that haven’t even happened yet!

Target Behavior:

I had to sit with this for a while and just watch my thoughts go by. They were ugly and thin, and I had enough of them. Ugly little Yoda, you’re going to get the ass-kicking of your life.

First, I identified the behaviors that grew out of this mindset: consequences: procrastination, refusal to invest in relationships, suspicion—okay, there are probably a lot more, but a girl can take only so much negativity!

So, bottom line, what do I want in place of the negativity? A positive self-image, an honest view of myself that mirrors the truth—that no one is perfect, shit happens, and that is OKAY

"There is no FAIL, only do.”

Every day, we listen to this song on the way to school, and anytime I need some reminding (which is often).

Every day, I want to walk in faith instead of fatalism

Happy homecoming

2007-11-02T04:24:00.000-07:00

Kaitlyn Wade, a 13-year-old cancer survivor who was critically injured when the vehicle she was riding in was hit by a suspected drunk driver May 18, got out of Cook Children's Medical Center after five months of recovery, on Thursday, November 1, 2007. . (Fort Worth Star-Telegram/Joyce Marshall)

I've been following this story since May--read the rest of it here.

Another penny dropped...

2007-10-13T05:20:00.000-07:00

When I asked God for wisdom, I didn't expect to have it to show up in the form of people in recovery. Hurting, rejected, struggling people who are grateful for a smile from a "normal" person. I am humbled that they share with me and are teaching me about forgiveness, acceptance, and peace. None of them are ordained ministers; all have been booted out of a church one time or another--and every one of them has found redemption and unconditional love--from God Himself, not the god that was presented by the local congregation/ministry.

My eyes have been opened.

Sin: A Reformed View

"For the churches I had attended sin was what you did or didn't do. But the Reformational view is more of our nature after the fall and what we do or don't do comes out of that. When this view is accepted, and I wholeheartedly subscribe to it, we see why the Christian Right, as well as legalism in so many churches, have failed. When sin is who you are instead of what you do, the only way out is through a complete transformation through the cross. Of course this will upset most Christians when things like homosexuality are dealt with. Let me say it again so you'll get it. Sin is who you are, not what you do. Sadly, the homosexual/lesbian/transgender community has IMO a better theology of their condition than we do."

Soldier Angels

2007-10-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

I'm about to send another letter and package to a soldier in Iraq. Go to Soldier Angels to find out how you can support our soldiers.

Ava's daddy, Justin, is in Iraq for his third tour.

My Nephew

2007-10-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

Teen Ran For Help After Plane Crash

The pilot will survive, but has devastating injuries.

Colby was a long-distance runner on the school track team.

25 Skills

2007-09-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

Saturday, September 29, 2007

25 Skills
Popular Mechanics has published a list of 25 skills every man should know. I added my own comments regarding my experience with each skill.
They are:
1. Patch a radiator hose with Ivory soap
2. Protect your computer for FREE
3. Rescue a boater who as capsized pull the boater into your boat
4. Frame a wall and sheetrock it too? How about texture and paint (see #17)
5. Retouch digital photos because every woman should look like Pam Anderson~
6. Back up a trailer loaded or unloaded? Boat ramp or driveway?
7. Build a campfire Girl Scouts
8. Fix a dead outlet make sure to switch off the breaker first
9. Navigate with a map and compass Girl Scouts
10. Use a torque wrench pit crew
11. Sharpen a knife whetstone or fancy sharpener? You can borrow my daughter's whetstone...
12. Perform CPR Girl Scouts/midwifery
13. Fillet a fish use the right knife--electric works
14. Maneuver a car out of a skid on ice? or in the rain?
15. Get a car unstuck or help a guy get his truck out of the mud with your Mommy Suburban and your rope!
16. Back up data So old...
17. Paint a room see #4
18. Mix concrete under the house...on your back...and pour a few piers, too...
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle and shoot it
20. Change oil and filter before the "Oil" light comes on...
21. Hook up an HDTV and the cable connections, and the computer network with a wireless router
22. Bleed brakes get a partner
23. Paddle a canoe and make it go where you want it to go
24. Fix a bike flat Girl Scouts
25. Extend your wireless network see #21

And if you don't know how to do it, ask your wife!!!

Because Milly asked, I found this---

25 Skills Every Woman Should Know from Busymom.net

1. Take off a bra through a shirt sleeve

2. Select the right color foundation

3. Choose the proper people to accompany you to the bathroom at the bar

4. Change purses with the seasons

5. Describe the difference between the colors "off white", "bone", and "cream"

6. Call someone to change a tire

7. Mix patterns on furniture and clothing

8. Select a trashy novel for reading at the beach

9. Keep kids busy in order to go to the bathroom alone

10. Tell the difference between real Coach purses, and, knock-offs

11. Prepare an elegant appetizer from random pantry supplies for unannounced company

12. Drive someplace unfamiliar at night in the rain

13. Respond to a child's midnight announcement of, "I have to bring 75 brownies to school tomorrow."

14. Find the nearest outlet mall

15. Discuss the differences between capris and cropped pants

17. Filch the phone number of a good babysitter from the neighbor

18. Get makeup off a cell phone screen

19. Extract the good candy from the Halloween bags without the kids noticing

20. Make him think it's his idea

21. Actually download pictures from the digital camera

22. Create 3 or more plausible reasons to "stop by Target"

23. Make store bought bake sale goodies look home made

24. Drive in the snow

25. Surprise a child by going to Sonic for a "treat" without him knowing it's because you need a Diet Coke

Birthday Season

2007-09-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

BIRTHDAY GIRLS!!

Abby Rain is 15 today...

Emily Rose is 18 for

one week now!

2007-09-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite authors, Madeleine L'Engle, has died.

"God says, 'I love you! I love you enough to come and be with you. And because I live forever, you will, too.'"(Penguins and Golden Calves, 35)

The Choices we make are the world we live in...

2007-09-06T06:55:00.000-07:00

"Just because you challenge assumptions of tradition doesn’t make you impious.’~Mimi Haddad

And another thing: why do women continue to attend churches that oppress them?

Some interesting commentary--

What do you think? What have you lived?

NEWS

2007-08-29T04:20:00.000-07:00

Mark D has some news!

AND his baby is a year old! I need to get one of those...(a baby, not a birthday)

What I did on my summer vacation....

2007-08-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

Get a big piece of SWEETIE PIE!

Ava Natalie
My first grand-niece

...sharing the love....

2007-08-27T03:28:00.000-07:00

Last Christmas was when I first noticed that ugly soulfog creeping in, but it showed up in the form of social anxiety and a bound-up back. Holiday blues coupled with the worst winter cold I've had in years--that's all.

Then the worst semester of school--ridiculously difficult and boring classes (to me)with an equally ridiculous and boring professor who never missed an opportunity to disdain Christianity. Not something to look forward to three days a week--

Emily graduating and leaving for 10 weeks, learning to embrace death as a part of life--and all the while, that low-grade soulfog dragging me down, sucking the energy out of me. I slogged on, determined. Just determined that depression wasn't going to keep me in the gray.

A trip to Nashville/Kentucky pushed it down for a week--we had fun and not one bickering moment in 1500 miles. Just me and my two girls in a Suburban traveling through Arkansas (aka Lucifer's Hollow)--I'll be doling that story out one tidbit at a time!

But there it was, waiting to hug me when I got home. I can't think, can't remember a damn thing, and I don't really care.

Life continues, and the floors need refinishing. So there I was, on my hands and knees, running a belt sander for 12 hours straight on 50-year-old varnish. Yes, I used a mask. Didn't help. In 24 hours, my body had called it quits, refusing to take in air without making me pay for it in panic. Every joint and muscle hated me. The first 10 days of August exist only has pain and panic for me. Insomnia, night sweats and chills so hard my knees and elbows would lock up and Miriam would wrap her arms around me until I stopped shaking. Both she and Abby told Phil I needed to see a doctor because my shut-down brain was not comprehending( the lack of oxygen to my brain had something to do with that) not understanding--until I thought I was having a heart attack in the middle of the night.

Ladies and gentlemen, wear your particle mask and use the proper equipment when sanding anything. You can be poisoned by breathing in toxic 50-yr-old varnish. That coupled with a hormone defiency (can you be in the red in hormone production? Apparently you can...) took me down, down, down. My body finally stopped like a tired puppy does on a long walk. No more. Just. No. More.

And did you know that the right balance of nutrients in you body will work miracles? I glady swallow 30 supplements a day --for now-- getting my depleted system back in working order.

It feels as if I've been away for 9 months (yes, I get the symbolism) and have just returned.

I've missed you.

New Day

2007-07-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

Opportunities for grace

2007-07-22T06:11:00.000-07:00

My house doensn't feel like my home any longer. For the last 17 years, it has been filled with little girl laughter--where are they now? All grown up and moving on. I've always said that it is my job to work myself out of a job, but now that Em is launching her own boat, of course I want to reel it back in. I'm not ready!

Where are my little girls? Abby is in HIGH SCHOOL, and Miriam is in MIDDLE SCHOOL with all of those---MIDDLE SCHOOLERS!

Child advocacy is the toughest job you'll ever love...ain't that the truth. I can't save them all and that's huge. Finding a place to hold the pain so it doesn't overwhelm me--well, that's a trick that I haven't mastered yet.

My Tiger kitty died accidentally at the end of May.

Remember Bug? She had a heart condition that couldn't be fixed, and I had to choose. A crippled life that assuaged my guilt, or freedom from a dying body? She left us in June.

I have been battling soulfog for a good while now.
(If you don't know what soulfog is, just think about it for a minute.) Stepping back and turning over the stones that make up my life allows me to see just where I am.

In a minute, I'll be ready to embrace life again with arms wide open--but right now, I'll stay right here, under His wings.

Ark building time?

2007-07-05T06:43:00.000-07:00

2007-06-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

The first time I heard about Columbus was in February. My casework supervisor mentioned a foster child who was in the hospital with neuroblastoma. He had been in isolation since November. I just wanted him to know that someone cared, someone was worried about him, someone thought about him while he was alone in the hospital.

His doctors knew he needed a bone marrow transplant, but he would need someone with him 24/7. Without a family to turn to, they were not willing to do the transplant.

Raelene has a daughter who spent an entire year in the same unit as Columbus battling the same disease. When she heard about his dilemma, she got busy. A pool of volunteers from all walks of life committed to sitting with Columbus while he recovered, so he received the transplant.

The first time I met Columbus, he was so, so sick. All he could do was cry and sleep. Everything hurt him, even holding him, which is what he wanted. Sometimes all I could do was hold his hand while he slept.

Being with him was like watching a dead man rise. Every time I visited, he was better, although still in pain and so upset during any procedures, especially redressing his main line/heart catheter. He wanted to sit on my lap to read, to watch tv--he just wanted to be touched without pain. We did get to play basketball and he loved me giving me "coffee." How did he know how much I like coffee?

The last time I held Columbus was the day before he went home. He wanted to be held up to the window so he could see anyone and everyone outside and wave to them. While I was holding him, he noticed my nose piercing for the first time. His eyes got big and he asked what it was. Before I could explain to him what is was, he said, "Is that your line?" He thought is was my med line just like his heart catheter. He looked around and found a flower sign made out of sticky foam. Plucking a petal, he put it over my "wound" saying, "There. That makes it better."

When we played basketball, he ran to get the ball and stopped suddenly. "I'm running! I'm running!" Pretty wobbly and not real fast, but this four-year-old was running for the first time in months and it made his day. He kissed me good-bye (a first) instead of being sad when I left--because he was so excited to be getting out of that room the next day.

Not long after Columbus went home with his foster family, he got sick again. I visited him on Sunday, but he wasn't there. His body was, but he was already running with the angels.

Monday, June 25
Dear Friends of Columbus,
The doctor called me at 5 p.m. and told me that Columbus died at 4:07 p.m. He was a special little boy loved by many people who were not related to him by blood but connected through the heart as we cherished him and loved him through our Heavenly Father. He changed my life in that I saw someone faced with great obstacles besides his cancer and he still had a smile, a laugh and a hug for me.

Thank you all for investing so much time and love into this sweet, dimpled four year old. I am comforted in knowing that he is in a much better place and not suffering anymore and I will see him again in Heaven.

Blessings,
Raelene

From the Abyss to the Mountaintop:

2007-06-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

A Journey through the Darkness

The Foundation

The Darkness is a very real place. It is filled with despair, yet it seems to be the only place where I am not invisible. Hope, joy, fulfillment are just words, not a way of life. What an irony, that the only place that is real is the one place that tortures me. And what of the faith that led me to give my heart to Jesus, that has kept me alive when I was convinced that I was poision to my children? I must be beyond hope, even beyond His reach, because the Darkness is still here.

Healing from that Darkness is not an easy task, and not one that is going to be accomplished in one step. One of the most important foundations is to see yourself as Jesus sees you. I promise you, it is not the way you see yourself. When you get through all of the pious religious bumper sticker adjectives, (i.e. “I’m not perfect, just forgiven”), all the hymns, praise songs on the radio, Bible studies--what is left? How do you see yourself? Broken, damaged, cracked, blind--poison. All these, the very reasons that Jesus wants to breathe His breath of life through you, bathe you in His love and lift your head with His strength.

Meditate on these:
I John 1
I Peter 1

Psalm 31:25 (NIV)
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

How in the world does this happen? How can I, broken, full of the dark shame, be clothed with strength and dignity, laughing at the days to come?

Hebrews 2: 11-15
For both he who makes sacred and those who are being made sacred are all from one family. For this reason Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.
He says “I will announce your name to my brothers and sisters,
I will sing festive praise songs to you in the midst of the assembly.”
And AGAIN, “I will put my trust in Him.”
And AGAIN he says, “Indeed, here I am, AND THE CHILDREN THAT GOD HAS GIVEN TO ME.”

So since the children went into partnership with flesh and blood, he also pretty much shared in their flesh and blood. This was so that through his death he would abolish the effects of him who holds the power over death, that is Slanderer-Liar, and RELEASE the one from death, those in fear, who all their lives were liable to the penalty of slavery.”

Song of Solomon 2:14“ O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, In the secret places of the cliff, Let me see your face, Let me hear your voice; For your voice is sweet, And your face is lovely.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“God, I am lost in the darkness. It is all that I know about myself.
I have no trust, no hope for light.
“Shine your light, God, in my darkness. I want to be clothed in strength and dignity. I will lift my head up so that you can see my face because I am beautiful in Your eyes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I still struggle with the old Darkness--but I have a new Foundation. The tug-o-war is not about how God sees me, it is the old voices that, although quieter now, still whisper to me in my weak, tired times.

Backyard details

2007-06-18T14:42:00.000-07:00

details

2007-06-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

2007-06-18T05:52:00.000-07:00

"When someone asks you 'think about what Jesus would do', remember that a valid option is to freak out and turn over tables" -- Unknown

2007-06-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

KB has a lot of wisdom regarding the heart; several times in the last week my own has been stirred by his words. Today is no exception: Thick Skin, Soft Heart reflects my own desire to be mature in this area. Forgiveness isn't a problem--trust is the issue. In my searching, I found this article on controlling anger.

God save us from having to "win" and be the cause of anyone's thick skin.

Help needed!

2007-06-11T10:13:00.001-07:00

I have been sitting with a 4 yr old boy in the local children's hospital. The volunteer effort was coordinated by a missionary, Raelend Soritau. I received this e-mail today from a friend of Raelene's:

I am writing today to make sure that you all have been informed about the current status of Raelene Soritau and her family. As you already know, her daughter Tori first came to the US to seek treatment for neuroblastoma, the same kind of cancer that Columbus is being treated for. In fact, it was Raelene who started the whole effort to recruit volunteers to help with Columbus.

If you have had any contact with the Soritau family you already know what a super special family they are. They sold their car and packed up a few belongings and came to Fort Worth over two years ago without knowing how long they would be here or even how many of them would ever get to return to Romania where they serve as missionaries.

In May they were cleared by the doctors at Cooks to take a long awaited two week trip back to Romania to visit all of the family and friends that had been praying for them and missing them so much. However, on their way back to the US Tori became ill and had to be hospitalized in London. She since has been diagnosed with e-coli bacteria and is very ill. Her kidneys have stopped producing urine and she desperately needs to return to Cooks.

In order to get home she must be upgraded from her coach ticket to first class to accommodate all of the medical equipment that must accompany her and she must be escorted by a doctor and nurse on the flight home. American Airlines is charging them $20,000 to fly her home. Obviously this is money that a missionary family from Romania would never have on hand. In addition, each day she spends in London is accumulating into a large hospital bill that must be paid privately, no insurance in Britain. Plus the family is having to stay in a hotel during this time in London and if any of you have ever traveled to England you know that there are no cheap hotels in that city.

If any of you are able to help with this extreme situation please contact our church.

Hulen Street Baptist Church
7100 South Hulen Street
Fort Worth, Texas
76110
817 292 9787

2007-06-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

From my own journal in 2004:

Here I am, a seeker, learning (finally) to mother myself and seek myself. Learning (finally!) that it is not a selfish thing, but a balancing act. Having learned to mother others by letting them learn on their own as much as possible, I am free to seek my own purpose, my God-given role on this earth, my part in bring His Kingdom to pass.

This new chapter and knowledge--digging into the Truth of the Word and learning what God really meant when He created man and woman--how He values women as much as He values man, that we are created equally by God.

God, you have been preparing me for this from the beginning-- and the Enemy has fought so hard against me.

How did I come to this path? How did I come this path and not my sisters or brother? What makes me different? Not better, but different?

And even as I write, I am humbled by the answer from You: that You are faithful to me as I have been fatihful to You. No matter the circumstances, we walked together, always. You have been my Guide, my Light. And You promised that You would never leave me.

I am deeply humbled by the privilege and responsibility You have set for me. I need Your wisdom and boldness to carry it onward and outward.

Every new beginning...

2007-05-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

...comes from some other beginning's end...

Emily Rose

Class of 2007

Good morning, Glory!

2007-05-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

And here is a creature living in my garden--there are 11 of them on the dillweed!

Miriam and I are watching them grow fatter everday. Anyone know what they will be in just a little while?

2007-05-20T05:04:00.000-07:00

I have to post these rules before I give you the facts:
Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I am the only person in my family to wear corrective lenses (since the 4th grade). Did I inherit this from my grandfather or is it a result of German measles at 18 months? At 40 years of age, it doesn't matter, but lasik would be a nice Christmas present!

2. I deal with social anxiety (recently diagnosed). Dread of social situations--the panic attack kind of dread. And not just with new situations--ANY social situations outside of my own home.

3. I was an obese child. Not overweight, obese.

4. My fave breakfast: bananas with peanut butter, walnuts, flax seed, and coconut butter.

5. I was President of the Thespian Society in high school, and Best Character Actor for the same year. Yes, I am a theatre geek.

6. I still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up.

7. I am not afraid of spiders, snakes, or lizards, but scorpions scare the liver out of me. (a little history there.)

8. My husband plays solitaire on this computer to wake up, so this is my eighth. Even if it is about him. And he is standing behind me with his coffee.

Shane's Wish

2007-05-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

read about Shane's wish, then RUN, don't walk to the mailbox! (Don't forget to share this link.)

2007-04-19T06:45:00.001-07:00

An excerpt of my required reading/comprehension since January:

"During translation, the sequence of codons along an mRNA moecule is decoded, or translated, into a sequence of amino acids making up a polypeptide chain. The codons are read by the translation machinery in the 5'--3' direction along the mRNA. Each codon (triplet code) specifies which one of the 20 amino acids will be incorporated at the corresponding position alon a polypeptide. Because codons are base triplets, the number of nucleotides making up a genetic message must be three times the number of amino acids making up the protein product. For example, it takes 300 nuceotides along and mRNA strand to code for a polypeoptide that is 100 amino acids long."

I sit and stare at my blog page --and the synapses do not fire. They are all used up.

Questioning a Tragedy: Where is God?

2007-04-19T04:54:00.000-07:00

Questioning a Tragedy: Where is God?

By Lauren Green

"Virtue in distress and vice in triumph make atheists of mankind." — Anonymous

This is a quote I always think of when horrendous events, like the Virginia Tech tragedy, occur. Great tragedies either draw us closer to or away from God.
The worst single shooting incident in U.S. history is slowly sinking into the psyche of this nation. Like the tragedies of past times — such as Columbine and Waco — this one will also be remembered forever. From now on, the name “Virginia Tech” will be synonymous with the murder of 32 people that were shot dead one spring day by a lone gunman, who unleashed holy hell on innocence.
The grief is personal, raw and intense. There will be no escape from the searing pain this loss brings to parents, siblings, friends and the community. We know the greater the love, the greater the pain is when it's lost ... especially when it's sudden and violent.
The process of grief is a long winding course, that includes anger. Many will turn the questioning to God: “Why, God, did this happen? How could a loving God allow this?”

The answers to the questions are complicated, but what many theologians stress is that God is sovereign — although each person has free will to choose between good and evil — and that comfort and hope are found in him. The "whys" to any tragedy may not have satisfying answers soon, or even in this lifetime.
At the convocation on Tuesday afternoon, Virginia’s Governor Tim Kaine made references to calvary, where Jesus died on the cross, and told the thousands gathered that despair is a natural emotion — but not to let it cause you to lose your faith. He talked about Job, the Old Testament's most afflicted servant of God: Even though Job was angry at God he never lost his faith.
President Bush said, "In times like this, we can find grace and strength from a loving God." And, he quoted from the Bible saying, that we should not be "... overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good."
These are the lessons of the Bible.
Those who aren't particularly religious may look for more scientific answers. The focus will then turn to the shooter himself. Why would a student with no criminal past or typical dysfunctional family history commit such horrors? Was he on medication? Was he a psychopath?
We do know that the gunman wrote a story for a creative writing class that was so disturbing he was recommended for counseling. He also may have stalked some female students that he liked, but whose affection were never returned.
If there's any phrase that should raise the shackles of any parent, teacher or friend it's that "he was a loner." That description has been stated at least twice by officials trying to answer the question of why 23-year-old English major Cho Seung-Hui unleased hell on Virginia Tech. They could not find anyone who knew him well, which means there was no one he confided in. He had no close friends, which means there was no one he could cry with, or express his deepest longings to. He was living in a virtual prison of his own making, but blamed others for locking him in it.
In the book, "The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil," author Dr. Philip Zimbardo sheds light on the shooter's inner demons. "The Lucifer Effect," based on the Stanford Prison Experiment of 33 years ago, shows how a prison environment creates evil behavior, like what occurred at Abu Ghraib. It explains group or system-wide evil, like that under Hitler, communistic regime or the genocide in Rwanda. He says the evil is not about a few bad apples, but a bad barrel. That's the group dynamic.
But there are other kinds of "prisons" not confined to a place or a building. These are the emotional prisons that "normal" individuals live in daily. Whatever that prison is — whether it’s shyness, loneliness, anger, hate — it can grow to unmanageable proportions, and manipulate an individual into believing that their only course of action is to break out, using any means possible ... even violence.
According to reports, a note left by Cho Seung-Hui talked about the "rich kids," "deceitful charlatans" and "debauchery." And there is also talk that he may have been rejected by a woman, or women, that he had feelings for. Perhaps in Cho's mind, these people were his "jailers" — the wardens of his prison responsible for his emotional incarceration. He vilified them, found them guilty of great offenses and then logically executed his warped sense of justice ... and murdered 32 people.
Both theologians and some secular psychologists agree that all of us are capable of great "evil." We only need the right combinations of events that progress unchecked.
The bottom line is that there are no simple or concrete answers that offer comfort. However Dr. Richard Lints from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, said it's important for Christians and people of all faiths to "be present with people as a sign of hope, not as a sign of explanation, but that we don't give up because of what happened."
So where is God? He is in the prayer vigils. He is in the rivers of tears flowing from everyone affected. He is in the community coming together to offer support to the families. He is at work in the love and strength people are offering each other. God is with us.

Lauren Green serves as a religion correspondent for the FOX News Channel. Prior to this, Green served as a news anchor for “Fox and Friends,” where she provided daily news updates and covered arts for the network.

2007-04-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Some reading that is way too good not to share:

Radical Torah

Velveteen Rabbi

and Urban Abbess

Enjoy!

Countdown to Graduation

2007-03-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

Remember Sr pictures? I was playing around with my camera while Em was having hers done--she just cannot take a bad picture!

God At Work

2007-03-22T04:26:00.000-07:00

"One person may read the Bible, but a hundred people will read the Christian."

Read the rest of the story right here.

The Secret

2007-03-07T04:01:00.000-08:00

There were all of these beautiful people sitting around on the Oprah show talking about a "Secret." Their lives were changed because they believed that good things could/would come to them. "That's faith," I thought, too busy to really go any further with it. Now they want other people to pay them so they can learn the secret, too.

Fast forward a few weeks. A friend calls me raving about the SECRET. She is ready for good things, wonderful things to come to her--so excited, so full of expectation--she is full of faith.

I look at my life, my expectations. There is something very wrong with this picture...

"I'm ready, God, for good things to come to me." And I expected the walls to come crashing down on me. What kind of god is this who withholds good things from his children?

Lord, You see how I cling to my little gods
I have tried so hard to please them.
But they are harsh and abusive and I cannot please them.
They are awful little gods, but they are all I know.
I have grown accustomed to them and
Adjusted my expectations to their smallness.

I am weary to death of the gods who come from shame, LORD.
I long to worship You, God of Grace.
I long to worship You.
You are the God of Glory.
Give me eyes to see You today
Give me a heart that hopes in You.
Amen.

From Rooted in God's Love, Dale and Juanita Ryan 1991

"I am ready, God, for good things to come to me because I believe--I believe that You are Jehovah, Breath of Life, and You love me."

Now, this may not rock your world like it did mine-but the universe shifted as soon as my heart received the goodness of God. It's been forty years of tug-of war--trying to do the right thing when I need to believe the right thing: Jesus loves me.

Oh, and here's a newsflash: Jesus has been around since well, forever. What's so secret about that?

What do you think?

2007-02-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

Domestic violence and assault seems to come from out of nowhere. You are having an argument with your spouse and suddenly, it just gets out of hand. The police are called, and you find yourself in jail, charged with domestic assault. Often these cases arise during the course of a divorce when tensions are already high and tempers can flare without warning.
These charges are not to be taken lightly, however. Generally, you will be charged with a misdemeanor assault unless you use a deadly weapon or cause serious injuries such as broken bones. However, even in situations where you were charged and convicted of a misdemeanor, a second domestic assault charge can now be charged as a felony under Texas law. This is true even if the second charge is based on nothing more than a hard slap or pushing your spouse down. Therefore, you need to take any domestic assault charge seriously even if it is your first.
At Gioffredi & Associates Dallas, TX

STAFFORD, Va. — A woman convicted of a felony for throwing a cup of ice into a car that cut her off in traffic was sentenced to probation instead of prison, a judge ruled Wednesday.
Jessica Hall faced between two and five years in prison after she was convicted last month of maliciously throwing a missile — the cup of ice — into an occupied vehicle. No one was injured in the incident last summer.

Got Trust?

2007-02-12T06:08:00.000-08:00

Not me--nada. At one time, I trusted everyone ( I had no boundaries--NONE)--and now I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I trust no one completely. I'm willing to try, but my history with boundaries is so spotty that I'm still learning what/how/why/when/where/who.
Which means its a lonely road--and I'm the one walking it. This is a common trait for anyone who has been abused in any way--uber sensitivity that is acted out in unrealistic boundaries, or being a control freak, or giving in to addiction, or...pick one!

NACR Daily Meditation for Monday, 2/12/2007
by Dale and Juanita Ryan

(Rooted in God's Love, the book from which these meditations are taken, is back in print. For details go here)

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"Mark 9:24

We live somewhere between belief and unbelief. Our faith wavers. At times faith is strong and stable. At times it is weak, and shaken.
For many of us, our capacity for trust has been diminished by experiences with people who were not trustworthy. We have learned by painful experience that we will be disappointed if we trust. One of the most intense struggles in recovery is to rebuild our capacity for trust and hope. We want to believe, but we are afraid.
Some people believe that God will respond only to people who 'believe enough'. "If you have enough faith, God will hear you," they say. But Jesus said "All you need is faith the size of a mustard seed." The mustard is the smallest of seeds. God does not reject small, limited faith. God will not ignore even the desire to believe. God will not dismiss a willingness to learn to trust. Mountains have been moved by less. God accepts our limited faith.

Lord, you see my struggle to believe, to trust,and to hope.
You know my fears, my hesitations, my questions.
Help me to accept the limits of my faith.
Help me to bring my limited faith to you.

Amen.

Copyright 1991 Dale and Juanita Ryan

Gone Loco

2007-02-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

Rick Perry needs to get his hands off my daughter's reproductive organs!

song by Josh Ritter

all photos copyrighted 2007

Kara Troglin, Alice Whisman, Robin Dodd

Rewinding, reminding

2007-02-04T07:15:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...seems I've been on the Lazurus path before; exactly one year ago, I wrote this:

It seems as though Elohim is taking me to places that will redefine every thing I've known about Him and myself. Unlike kel, I have not moved geographically, but I have moved spiritually to new territory. It's like going through the dark coat closet and discovering a new country. It seems magical, and some parts are, but it is also the most dangerous place I've ever been. ( I think I will re-read the Chronicles...) I think the real question in my mind is, "Are you sure, God? Remember who this is You're thinking about using for Your purpose. It's me! " I do want to rise above my religion, to know Him by getting to know Him, not listening to other people tell me about Him. I believe that's what He wants of me. And how do I do that?

By listening to Him.
By asking, listening, and obeying.
By receiving healing, true healing.
When Jesus raised Lazurus from the dead, do you think that Lazurus walked around for the rest of his life with death inside of him, coloring his every thought, dream, and relationships?

"Sorry, I can't get involved with you because I have this fear that I may die, and I don't know if Jesus can raise a dead man twice."

"Well, I'd get a job, but I might just drop dead any time. It's happened before..."

"I need to process this whole dying thing. Where were you, Jesus, that you didn't keep me from dying? Yeah, I know you made me live again, and my life is a living testimony to your healing, mercy, and love, but, really Jesus, if you really loved me, why did you let me die in the first place?"

"No, Mary, I can't pray with you right now. I'm too depressed from being in that dark cave for so long. Martha, could you not clean so loudly? I need to focus on me right now."

" 'Lazurus, come forth.' What did he really mean by that?"

So maybe Lazurus had his bad day. But that man knew true death, and was raised from the dead to a brand new life. And so was I.
That same Jesus who commanded Lazurus to "COME FORTH!" from the grave has spoken the same words over his children.
Come forth out of the grave of tradition and religion.
Come forth out of the grave of sin and unbelief.
Come forth out of the grave of hurt and unforgiveness.
Come forth and LIVE.

My choice is to live.

To live in everything that He has in store for me, not what culture, or tradition, or the past demands of me.

Now fast-forward one year--and I can see through those backward binoculars how some of the grave linens have been removed from me, the veil removed from my face. He has shown me my own weaknesses, failings, habits, and stones in front of my heart that keep me from the fullness of His life.

And I'm getting there, slowly, as each time a little less time goes by between sitting in the dark cave and the stepping out into His light.

"God has helped!"

Jacked-up Buildings, Vanilla Cigars, and the Glory of God

2007-02-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

No one told me that CASA training would be a therapy session. The topic was Childhood Separation and Loss, leading into the stages of emotional development according to Eric Ericson/Freud and how children respond to abuse.
I should have known.
After how many years of dealing/healing and still my foot starts bouncing under the table and I have to concentrate on the trainer’s voice–I’m not lost in a flashback, just mighty uncomfortable. A few times I look away at the city lights just to retreat a bit from the subject matter.
I wonder if I’m ever going to be okay.
“If the foundation gets broken, the building is weak. The higher they try to rise, the more the building gets jacked up.”
That makes sense. Everything makes sense-I recognize too many traits of jacked-upness in my own life. Sigh….Foundation work is a mess and costs a fortune–but that’s God’s job, right? The truth is that my foundation was broken, but it’s being fixed, and I can help fix other people’s foundations now—right? That fragile thread is all that is keeping me from leaving that training room and admitting defeat.
Then someone asks the question: “Can they ever be fixed?”

What kind of question is that? Why are you here if you have to ask that question? Can they ever be fixed? Your face needs to be fixed!
The trainer was quick to answer that STUPID question–she couldn’t yell “HELL, YES! What are you doing here if you have to ask that question?”–she said “Of course!” and I really didn’t hear the rest because of the buzzing in my head.
I remember talking a little too much to the trainer afterward–seeking some validation/attention from the authority figure–and of course feeling embarrassed about it all the way home–stinging from knowing that they (all of them at CASA) are rolling their eyes behind my back, judging my neediness and being entertained at my expense–
And all of these ridiculous, irrational insecurities lead back to the question:
“Will I ever get fixed?”

I thought about taking care of that bottle of Merlot that's been getting lonely on the wine rack--
I thought about stopping and getting a half gallon of Extreme Moose Tracks to share with me, myself, and I.
I thought about getting the entire box of Ritz crackers and giving Mr. P the stink eye when he glanced at me...
I sang with Aretha all the way home.

It was late when I got there, and cold outside. I took my last vanilla cigar outside and stood in the back yard in the full moonlight, smoking and thinking. Mr. P came outside for a minute--it was COLD--but I wasn't ready to share with him. Always the same old same old.

Will I ever be fixed?

I thought about my last post and those powerful words--

"You're about to be given new grounds for believing."

"I am, right now, Resurrection and Life."

"Didn't I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

I paced that backyard, trying to stay one step ahead of despair. "I'm not feeling it, God. I'm just not feeling the glory."

He led me to a spot and I looked up--and there, in the lit up dining room window, were my three lovelies, telling stories, reading, drawing--just being glorious.

Jesus looked me right in the eye and said (say it with me!):

Didn't I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?!"

"God has helped"

2007-01-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

John 11
The Death of Lazarus

1-3 A man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. This was the same Mary who massaged the Lord's feet with aromatic oils and then wiped them with her hair. It was her brother Lazarus who was sick. So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Master, the one you love so very much is sick."
4 When Jesus got the message, he said, "This sickness is not fatal. It will become an occasion to show God's glory by glorifying God's Son."
5-7 Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, but oddly, when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed on where he was for two more days. After the two days, he said to his disciples, "Let's go back to Judea."
8 They said, "Rabbi, you can't do that. The Jews are out to kill you, and you're going back?"
9-10 Jesus replied, "Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Anyone who walks in daylight doesn't stumble because there's plenty of light from the sun. Walking at night, he might very well stumble because he can't see where he's going."
11He said these things, and then announced, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep. I'm going to wake him up."
12-13 The disciples said, "Master, if he's gone to sleep, he'll get a good rest and wake up feeling fine." Jesus was talking about death, while his disciples thought he was talking about taking a nap.
14-15 Then Jesus became explicit: "Lazarus died. And I am glad for your sakes that I wasn't there. You're about to be given new grounds for believing. Now let's go to him."
16 That's when Thomas, the one called the Twin, said to his companions, "Come along. We might as well die with him."
17-20 When Jesus finally got there, he found Lazarus already four days dead. Bethany was near Jerusalem, only a couple of miles away, and many of the Jews were visiting Martha and Mary, sympathizing with them over their brother. Martha heard Jesus was coming and went out to meet him. Mary remained in the house.
21-22 Martha said, "Master, if you'd been here, my brother wouldn't have died. Even now, I know that whatever you ask God he will give you."
23 Jesus said, "Your brother will be raised up."
24 Martha replied, "I know that he will be raised up in the resurrection at the end of time."
25-26 "You don't have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?"
27 "Yes, Master. All along I have believed that you are the Messiah, the Son of God who comes into the world."
28A fter saying this, she went to her sister Mary and whispered in her ear, "The Teacher is here and is asking for you."
29-32 The moment she heard that, she jumped up and ran out to him. Jesus had not yet entered the town but was still at the place where Martha had met him. When her sympathizing Jewish friends saw Mary run off, they followed her, thinking she was on her way to the tomb to weep there. Mary came to where Jesus was waiting and fell at his feet, saying, "Master, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died."
33-34 When Jesus saw her sobbing and the Jews with her sobbing, He was deeply moved in his spirit and was overcome with intense emotion
34-35 "Master, come and see," they said. Now Jesus wept.
36 The Jews said, "Look how deeply he loved him."
37 Others among them said, "Well, if he loved him so much, why didn't he do something to keep him from dying? After all, he opened the eyes of a blind man."
38-39 Then Jesus, once again deeply moved, arrived at the tomb. It was a simple cave in the hillside with a slab of stone laid against it. Jesus said, "Remove the stone."
The sister of the dead man, Martha, said, "Master, by this time there's a stench. He's been dead four days!"
40 Jesus looked her in the eye. "Didn't I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
41-42 Then, to the others, "Go ahead, take away the stone."
They removed the stone. Jesus raised his eyes to heaven and prayed, "Father, I'm grateful that you have listened to me. I know you always do listen, but on account of this crowd standing here I've spoken so that they might believe that you sent me."
43-44 Then he shouted, "Lazarus, come out!" And he came out, a cadaver, wrapped from head to toe, and with a kerchief over his face.
Jesus told them, "Unwrap him and let him loose."

Right now, in this life with its stones and potholes, sicknesses, disappointments, and despair--
when Jesus looks you right in the eye and says "If you believe, you will see the glory of God!"

What are you going to do?

Stand in front of the stone and process? Or get out of the way?

What death linens bind you and blind you? And are you willing to release the security of them and embrace Him?

"And you will come to know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:36

Lazarus--"God has helped"

Just when you think it's safe to go back in the pulpit...

2007-01-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

Remember when the Southwestern Theological Seminary stuck their noses in private prayer a while back?

In October, seminary trustees drew criticism within the Southern Baptist denomination because they voted not to tolerate promotion of “private prayer language” at the school. Two months before, the Rev. Dwight McKissic of Arlington said during a chapel service at the seminary that he sometimes speaks in tongues while praying.

This theological Jabba the Hut is now doing the zeroing on women.

Posted on Fri, Jan. 26, 2007
Prof: Seminary made her leave because women can't teach men

By TERRY LEE GOODRICH
STAR-TELEGRAM STAFF WRITER
FORT WORTH - An Arlington pastor says Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary committed “a moral injustice” by denying a female professor the chance for a tenure review because of her gender, and he has filed complaints with two accrediting agencies, asking them to investigate.
The Rev. Benjamin Cole of Parkview Baptist Church filed complaints Thursday with two agencies — the Association of Theological Schools and the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools — saying that the Fort Worth seminary’s treatment of professor Sheri Klouda violated its own policy and jeopardizes its accreditation.
At issue is the interpretation of a Southern Baptist doctrine statement that says the office of senior pastor is limited to men, and Southwestern President Paige Patterson’s interpretation that it also means that only men should instruct future pastors, Cole said.

A follow-up article on Jan. 27 (Pastor says prof hit glass ceiling
By TERRY LEE GOODRICH
STAR-TELEGRAM STAFF WRITER) contains the well-rehearsed pious PR spin --but it still smells rank to me.

Patterson could not be reached for comment, but he has said his interpretation follows "the biblical pattern that we need men in that capacity."
Cole said the seminary's handbook advocates gender equality for tenure review in all its schools, including theology.
Van McClain, chairman of Southwestern's board of trustees, declined to comment. In an e-mail to The Associated Press, McClain said that the seminary has not changed its policy but that there was "a momentary lax of the parameters, and [Southwestern] has now returned to its traditional, confessional and biblical position."

PEE--EEWW!! Somebody take out the trash!!

2007-01-20T20:05:00.000-08:00

This was an interesting assignment: read the assigned novel and analyze the passages that affected you the most. Write about why they affected you. My book was "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac.

Little Boxes
Malvina Reynolds

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes made of ticky-tacky,

Little boxes, little boxes,

Little boxes, all the same.

There's a green one and a pink one

And a blue one and a yellow one

And they're all made out of ticky-tacky

And they all look just the same.
And the people in the houses

All go to the university,

And they all get put in boxes,

Little boxes, all the same.

And there's doctors and there's lawyers

And business executives,

And they're all made out of ticky-tacky

And they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf-course,

And drink their Martini dry,

And they all have pretty children,

And the children go to school.

And the children go to summer camp

And then to the university,

And they all get put in boxes

And they all come out the same

And the boys go into business,

And marry, and raise a family,

And they all get put in boxes,

Little boxes, all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one

And a blue one and a yellow one

And they're all made out of ticky-tacky

And they all look just the same.

Ah, the American Dream—according to the WASPs who governed the nation in the beginning of the 20th century (and still wield a powerful amount of guilt and judgement). The dreamers, the poets, the mavericks—well, they just needed to conform, because the American Dream is about being successful, and success is defined as having the right amount of money, working 40 hours a week, driving the right kind of car, living in the right place, being married by the right age, having 2 kids (one of each gender), going to the right church once a week, and paying your taxes. Sal Paradise, having attempted to live the American Dream and failed, has nothing to lose and everything to gain by following his star, or any star, across the country to breathe life into his dead, cold life ( Kerouac 5). Jack Kerouac’s novel On the Road documents his journey across the United States in search of “girls, visions, everything; somewhere along the line the pearl would be handed to me (11).”
What makes a person up and walk out of a life that has already been written? Was there a day when Sal woke up and decided it’s time to go (10)? Did someone tell him “You can’t,” and in a moment of heathenism he thought, “Why not?”
There was that day that someone pounded the table in front of me and yelled, “You don’t matter! What you want doesn’t matter! How you feel doesn’t matter! What I say matters! What I want matters! How I feel matters, what I say matters, what I want matters because I am the man and God made me the master over you!” My life had been written by a religious psycho and I was the only one who could rewrite it. And so I did. I followed Sal on the road. I got three daughters, visions, everything; somewhere along the line, the pearl was handed to me.

When mavericks and dreamers are pasteurized and canned into ticky-tacky spaces, they eventually explode like a bad batch of jam, catapulting across existence into spaces where they can dance and sing and jam and just dig everything that is going on around them. I sing the same song as Sal when he confesses that when “they danced down the streets like dingledoodies, … I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue enter light pop and everybody goes ‘Awww (9)’!” I looked at my mother, my two older sisters, my grandmothers, my aunts, the church ladies, the mirror and saw “her great dark eyes (that) surveyed me with emptiness and kind of chagrin that reached back generations and generations in her blood from not having done what was crying to be done—whatever it was, and everybody knows what it was. ‘What do you want out of life?’ I wanted to take her and wring it out of her (200)….She was eighteen, and most lovely, and lost (201).” It didn’t make sense until someone screamed it in my face and in a moment of heathenism, I thought for the first time, “I matter.” And I ran like my hair was on fire.

My mentor was a midwife who had been divorced twice, had lived with numerous men, had one baby out of wedlock, encouraged sexual experimentation, and questioned the existence of God. She smoked pot, drank when she felt like it, and was the head of her household. She was hellbound for sure. She fascinated me the way Sal’s hitchhiker friend fascinated him, “not because he was a good sort, as he later proved to be, but because he was enthusiastic about things (17).” I married her brother—after getting pregnant and being kicked out of my church. Then I met her sister-in-law, and we were all sisters now, a sister and two women married to her brothers who were asses in their own right by loving their children to distraction but having scars from their own crazy ranting bipolar mother and seeing us as crazy harpies when we would say “Why won’t you listen to me?”

God, what were You thinking when you made us blind with desire? Sal’s aunt could teach them a lesson; she believed that “the world would never find peace until men fell at their women’s feet and asked for forgiveness (101).” Don’t men get it? But, no, Sal's friend Dean speaks for the all of the men I have ever known when he declares that “I’ve pleaded with (his lover) Marylou for a sweet peaceful understanding of pure love between us forever with all hassles thrown out—she understands; her mind is bent on something else—she’s after me; she won’t understand how much I love her, she’s knitting my doom (101).” And Sal, a man raised by his wise aunt, nails it when he replies “The truth of the matter is we don’t understand our women; we blame on them and it’s our fault (101).” The hassles Dean hated were monogamy and responsibility. After he encourages Sal to “hook up with a real great girl if only you can find her and cultivate her and make her mind your soul as I have tried with these damn women of mine… (154),” his current girlfriend and mother of one of his four babies kicks his ass to the curb, as did both my sisters-in-law did their husbands. My husband did fall at my feet and ask forgiveness. I think I’ll keep him—for now.

Is this all just smoke and mirrors? Do we make up a story about God to answer our own egocentric questions of existence? Can we find Him? If nobody loves us, God will. If we feel like shit, guilty and ashamed, unforgiving and hopeless in our own life, God will redeem us. Really?

I wondered until met my daughters. “Look at those eyes….notice how (s)he will come into

(wo)manhood with (her) own particular soul bespeaking itself through the windows which are (her) eyes, and such lovely eyes surely do prophesy and indicate the loveliest of souls (234).” Dean and Sal encounter this new life and move on to a whorehouse, their definition of glory. They find their “pornographic hasheesh daydream in heaven (238)” in Gregoria, Mexico, but there it stays with those pubescent multi-racial girls.

I encountered this new life and it stayed my heart, kept me in my life where I belong. When my hope couldn’t stretch any further to catch me, my children’s innocence and need became my hammock, my soft place to fall until I could get up again. To this day, when I can’t do something for myself, I can do it for my girls. Even when those “friends” have gone away, waving good-bye and handing out the standard "All that again, good buddy. Gotta get back to my life. Wish I could stay with you. Pray I can come back (249),” like Dean said to Sal when he left him sick in Mexico, I can do what needs to be done all by myself—because that’s how I got here anyway.
I look at my yellow tattered teddy bear that kept me company in the hospital when I three years old—he is the only thing I have from childhood that doesn’t make me cringe—and I hear Sal ask “Don’t you know God is Pooh Bear (253)?” and laugh, and say the same thing to someone who will laugh, too. She looks a lot like me, only innocent.

Kerouac, Jack. On the Road. New York: Amereon House, 1983.

Morning Glory

2007-01-18T11:27:00.000-08:00

Miriam in the morning

Yes, that is my robe that she wears every morning.

I attended my first training class at the local CASA and have been reading different books on child advocacy/foster care system/healing childhood trauma. There's a monster eating our children and spitting them out. Glory, Jesus, help us slay the monster and save our children.

Revolution...it's about time!

2007-01-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

Codepoke recently linked the Barna Group on home church. I heard an interview with George Barna and did some digging. J Lee Grady reviewed Barna's book Revolution and the discussion that followed lasted for months!
This is a book that I need to read asap.

I haven't regularly attended a traditional church for a few years. The thought of "going to church" makes me break out in excuses, but it really is time to get over it and get into the community.

2007-01-10T14:23:00.000-08:00

Bush to send more troops to Iraq

Psalm 62

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God ;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

Selah

For My Grandmothers

2007-01-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

My grandmothers--my goodness!
My namesake--Edith Alice--was a nurse. She raised six children as a single mother in the New Mexico desert. Remember the song "A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down"? My grandmother gave medicine with a spoonful of whupass.

And my other granma--we shared a birthday. She once told me that I was her best birthday present.

This is the granma that I knew best--Iantha Nadine. I know she loved me--but her love wasn't the cookie-baking cuddly granma kind of love. Get this--she showed her love by telling me how disappointed she was in me. This was supposed to encourage me to be better person. But she never forgot a birthday, calling all four of us early on our birthdays and singing "Happy Birthday my darling!" every year until she died. She made sure we had school clothes and winter coats and Christmas presents.

Both of my grandmothers were born and raised in small Southern towns. both were daddy's girls. Both were swept off their feet by men who moved them away from their families.

Edith went from being a nursing student/flapper who flirted and danced and sang "Alice Bluegown" on Saturday nights with her friends on Saturday nights to a newlywed in Santa Fe, NM. Santa Fe in the thirties was very different than it is now. It was simply a desert with a few buildings and beautiful sunsets. She had one son and nine months later gave birth prematurely to twin girls at home. The first baby was born inside of the amniotic sac. While she labored with the second twin, she instructed her husband to sterilize his pocket knife with a flame and cut the sac open to save the baby. He did, she recovered and had four more babies in eight years. While property was cheap she bought real estate in Santa Fe. (Can you imagine? She owned parts of downtown Santa Fe. I should be on a yacht in the Meditarranean right now...) Of course, the deeds were put in her husband's name--and he lost them in poker games. Ultimately, she was a single mother, married to a gambler and a drunk who died when my mother was 14 years old.

By the time I knew her, she was worn out. My own mother remembers her as tired all the time--how exhausted she must of been by the time her 13th grandchild was born. She did not like me, not for a minute. My neediness and insecurity completely irritated her and she dealt with me accordingly. Sometimes, though, she would tell a story about her mother playing the piano, or sing "Alice Bluegown," and here face would light up with the memory. Her smile was so rare that it caught me off guard with its joy.

Nadine stayed in West Texas with her husband. West Texas is just barren. (Some see a desolate beauty in its plains--I think it's just plain ugly.). She had been so poor and shared so much with so many siblings that once she had something of her own, it was going to be perfect. When she had visitors in her apartment, she would get down on her hands and knees to wipe thier footprints off the floor. She had one child, and she was determined that he would be clean ALL THE TIME. She put Joan Crawford to shame with her cleanliness. It wasn't next to godliness--it was godliness. Her husband was a man of few words--I think I heard him speak maybe a hundred words or less in the 28 years that I knew him--and I'm being generous.

Both of these women confused me. I wanted so much for them to be the cozy, cuddly ganmas that I had read about--with hugs, and aprons, and laps to climb onto, and cookies--always cookies--but neither had it in them be these things. It was only after we switched roles and I stopped wanting something from them that I truly got to know them. My granmas stood alone through disappointment and hardship and heartbreak with no one to lean on--until they had to trust me. I finaly found the strength that had borne them throughout their harsh lives that left no room for joy.

In her last days, Nadine sought me out to hold her hand while she prepared to move out of her home of 30 years. After a lifetime of independence, she was being told what to do, where to live, how to spend her money. She really, really didn't want to move--and I told her she didn't have to. We talked about her new little mobile home until she was satisfied that she could be happy there--then she went HOME the very day she was to leave her house.

Edith couldn't tel me anything--she died of Alzheimer's. The last time I saw her, she didn't understand why I was saying good-bye. Her confused, hurt look haunted me until a few days after she died. She came to me in a dream, laying her soft cheek on mine and said, "I understand."

So, grandmothers,

Unsmiling Pillars of Strength,

You have given me the gift of never give up.

You have given me the gift of never look back.

You have given me the gift of making the best whupass pie.

You have given me the gift of your regrets in order to forge joy in my own life--and I have.

My life honors you.

My daughters honor you with their strength and freedom to sing and dance and be.

And I know wherever you are, you are finally smiling.

The Bumpy Road Home

2007-01-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

Part I needs a Part II, so...

Did you know that John Wesley preached his first sermon on American soil in Georgia? I didn't either!

And Santa showed up at Fort Pulaski!

He's fast...I have three of

this view!

Welcome to the newest Reality Show! What shall we call it?

Real Men Don't Sleep--Can one man drive from Georgia to Texas with no rest?

The Limit--how many miles can girls go without a bathroom break?

Torture Chamber--the mom is down with a killer cold, the Dad has a toothache and is determined to make it across the Gulf Coast without stopping; the oldest daughter has downed a Red Bull without telling anyone, middle daughter hasn't taken her earphones out for 3 days, youngest needs Dramamine--NOW!!!

And to this is added:

Yes, the tire practically exploded seconds after Mom said,"Do you hear that rattling? What's that rattling noise? Honey, don't you think you should pull over and find out what is coming off the back of our tru..."

But it doesn't end there! A few hours later, the the other rear tire started vibrating. Can Mom and hyped up oldest daughter talk the Real Man into avoiding a crisis instead of getting a few more miles out of a tire about to blow?

(yes, they can. Especially when one uses the stink-eye.)

WE WON! And the prize is all of us getting home alive.

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Praises

2007-01-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

Five Things...

2006-12-31T06:10:00.000-08:00

people don't know about me--

Well, that depends. If you are a blog buddy, you don't know this.

1. I have my nose pierced.

2. I have worked in construction. Two of the most memorable times:
leveling a house by shimming one pier at a time, mixing and pouring concrete in a crawlspace;
taking a hit right in the face by a piece of sheet metal--my choice were to jump off an 8 ft ladder onto concrete or drop a $400 drill!

3. My mother bear scares me--one time while I was pregnant, I saw a figure walk into my back yard holding something in his hand. I had my under 5 girls and their two under 5 cousins in the house. I ran to the back door and yelled at him to get out of here! before he turned around and revealed that he was a meter reader. Momma Bear has come out a few times since then--no negotiating with her!

4. I would love to parachute out of an airplane.

5. I would have made a GREAT detective!